Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Not sure if this makes sense but....

Have you ever wanted someone to die???  Well I do, I want my husband to die and not for the reasons you may be thinking.  I want him to die because it will bring him peace, his suffering can be over FINALLY and he will be going to a much better place then being trapped down here suffering the way he is.  I also want him to die because I need the boys and I to move on with our life and not be stuck watching him suffer day in and day out.  I want it OVER and I want to just move on!  Having him die will bring such sadness to us for sure but at the same time it will also bring relief that he is at peace and there will be no more cancer, no more dementia, no more complete quality of life, no more suffering, no more pain.

I struggle with this daily knowing it's completely wrong to want someone dead.  I (DON'T WANT TO) can't imagine my life without him but I also don't want him living the life he is living now.  I have no idea if this makes sense to anyone but for me it makes perfect sense.

Now you can bash me if you have to but if you saw what I see and dealt with what I deal with every single day with no relief in sight...I think you'd feel differently.

This is my prayer tonight and every night....

Dear Lord hear my prayer.  Please send the angels to visit with my husband so they can reassure him that the boys and I are going to be just fine.  He can trust that I am going to do everything in my Motherly power to keep the boys safe, provide the best I can for them, I will always fight and advocate for them, and we will always keep him as part of our daily lives by NEVER letting his memory die.  I am here to take care of our gorgeous precious boys that we created together out of the love that we shared together.  Send the angels to give him his wings so he can fly home to live with you in your beautiful heavenly world.  Let them guide him home to his Mother, Grandmother and all the other family he has waiting up in heaven for him to return safely.  Please ease his pain and suffering somehow, someway, the best way you know how.  Give him peace once and for all I beg you Dear Lord....please hear my prayer.


  1. I completely understand where you are coming from. It is terribly hard to see someone you love so deeply suffering when you know there is nothing you can do to ease it. IMO wanting them to pass on is the ultimate testament of your love for them, you are willing to take on the heartache and pain of losing them so that they may find peace.
    Your strength and compassion is amazing and I am honored to call myself your friend!
    Love you much my sister,

  2. I would never bash you. I totally get where you are coming from. I've seen it myself with a couple loved ones. It's the saddest thing to know that it's out of your control and you only want what's best for them. Not wanting someone to suffer is the most selfless act anyone could want for someone. You have to know that for them, it's got to be pure hell not being able to be the person they once were. And it frustrates them that others have to see them that way. Your love for him and the boys is unmeasurable. I hope that God hears your pray. Our Father works in ways that we don't understand, he must not be ready to give Chuck his wings yet, maybe he still has something else he wants you and the boys to do for Chuck, only He knows. I am here for you, I will keep you, CJ, Michael and Chuck in my prayers. I love you sister.

  3. I sent you a message on CM...
    if you didn't read it ..I understand...

    My Dad went through the same Cancers that your hubby is going through...Mom would call me and tell me the same things you are posting....

    Yes..It sucked when I lost my Dad...I still struggle everyday with knowing I can't talk to him,I can't call him to ask questions, but...I saw him at the very end of his life...as I walked away from him (saying my goodbyes and watching him hug his only grandkids goodbye) I prayed to God to make his pain go away. 2 days later he passed away holding my Mom's(his wife of 40 years) hand. When Mom called me to tell me ...I didn't cry. I knew he was in a better place and pain free. Like I said I still struggle without him at times..but I know he is being well taken care of ....