Sunday, December 25, 2011

Merry Christmas my love!

Well I made it through without one tear.  We went to Pegs yesterday afternoon and we were home by 6:30.  When we were on the train coming home Michael got VERY SAD because he missed you.  He kept saying he missed you and Aunt Peggy.  He is REALLY worried that she is going to get cancer and die like you did and that makes him EXTREMELY SAD!!

I had a lot of stuff to do before today.  Got almost everything done but it just wasn’t the same without you here.  I was too busy to be sad though.  Having to do it for the boys kept me busy.  I know you would have wanted the boys to have a fabulous Christmas regardless!  I have to tell you honestly that if the boys never were, I’d have locked the friggin door, never let anyone in and NOT celebrated anything this holiday season!!  It just doesn’t seem Christmasy to me without you.  I just wanted to have you hear with me, putting the gifts under the tree alone was the hardest!!  Not that I couldn’t do it, but that you always did it!!

THANK GOODNESS it’s over.  I will not be sad at all to see 2011 pass.  I’m not looking forward to 2012 but it certainly can’t be any worse then this year was for me!!  I lost too much already…what more can they take from me??  The day you left this world, I lost just about my entire life.  I have to redirect my focus on the boys where it needs to be.  I would give anything to have you back in my life for just a few hours.

Tomorrow we are going to your Aunt Alice’s for lunch.  The first time ever the boys and I have ever been there.  Hopefully it won’t be the last.  She is a sweet lady and I enjoy talking to her.

So I am going to sign off for now because I got up VERY EARLY and been on the go ever since and I am EXHAUSTED!!  Merry Christmas my love, I Love You!!  831!

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Been very busy.

Hi sweety…I haven’t been here in quite some time and I have so much to tell you but I have been so busy lately and tonight I am just bushed.

Barbara got here yesterday morning and she stayed here last night which was very nice.  Mimi actually ADORES her and she likes Mimi if you can believe that!!

Tonight I had Franny and Jim over for dinner while Barbara was here.  Peggy and Mr. Vernon came and we had a very nice dinner.  I made Capellini Al Forno which was absolutely delicious!!  YUMMO.  Not sure of you would have liked it but I think you would have a few years ago before you got sick!!  We had a very nice time and I missed you a lot tonight.

I started back at Weight Watchers last Sunday and the first week I lost 5 lbs.  Of course tonight….I may have gained it back!!  ROFL!!  Oh well, I will get back on track and it was only 1 day so I am ok for now.  I just have to get through Christmas which is going to be VERY DIFFICULT!!  I’ll have to do my best for the boys and make sure it’s at least a good day for them!

I still miss you like crazy my love….you are forever MINE! 831

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

What is the message here….

After a really bad day yesterday I tried to go to bed as normal and woke up hysterical crying.

See I don’t know if you remember the guilt I carry with me for the way my Mother passed but it still haunts me to this day.  I don’ know why but it still does.  I have had the same friggin horrible dream since her passing over 21 years ago and last night was the FIRST time EVER that she came to me in a dream other than my normal one!

In my normal dream I come home and my Mother isn’t home and ask where she is and my family gives me an address.  I go to the address and ring the door bell and get no answer.  Something tells me to look in the window and I see what looks like an image sitting on the couch watching t.v.  So I try the door and it’s unlocked.  I go in and find my Mother’s corpse propped up on the couch!

This is my normal!!  Last night however, you guys were tag teaming me in my dreams!!

It was the night before your death and the boys were sleeping next to you in bed.  When the boys went to school the next day I went up to see you and my Mother was at your door with this huge smile on her face.

That was the moment I woke up hysterical crying!  Now I don’t know what the smile means but I just wish she would say what she means after all these years!!  Why the big mystery all this time??  Maybe she was there when you crossed over?  Maybe she is a messenger of some sort for you?  Maybe you are angry at me like she is and you sent her to tell me so??  Hence my question, why not just TALK to tell me what it means and not have me driving myself crazy trying to figure out what the meaning is??

I am hoping that her smile is a good thing.  I hope it means that you are happy and in good hands.

Why can’t I type this stuff without tears?  I miss you SO MUCH, you just have no idea how much.

You know when I was in the midst of the dream and you were alive, I WAS SO HAPPY!  I really thought that you were alive and here with me and that it was all a nasty dream like I have wished for since February.  When I saw my Mother’s smile, I knew your death was real and the sadness flooded over me again and I woke up to my miserable reality.  The empty one that has this huge void that no other person on this planet could ever have shoes big enough to fill.

Yes I have the boys here to help but the sadness continues for me like I have NEVER felt before.  This experience is the hardest thing I have ever had to do EVER.  

I survived the death of my Father at 20, the death of my Mother at 22, quitting smoking in 1999, 100+ lb. weight loss in my early/mid 30’s, almost dying 3 times giving birth to Frik and Frak, diagnosed with PPD and Severe Depression, disconnection from the boys completely during my illness, traveling your journey through cancer and the recent death of my younger brother….and none of these has been as difficult as losing you in comparison!!

Never again will anyone ever know me the way you did.  Understand me the way you understood.  Cheer for me the way you did.  Encourage me the way your words used to.  I miss you SOOOOOOO MUCH, this is killing me inside!  I love you and wish I could have just one more moment with you so I can tell you how much I love you!  831!

Monday, November 28, 2011

Made it through Thanksgiving just barely!

Been a lil bit since I checked in.  Simply forgot actually.  Busy week last week with getting Christmas up and then Thanksgiving on Thursday which was EXTREMELY hard for me.  I have no idea how I made it through without a single tear!!  Then we went right into a busy weekend beginning with our annual Black Friday trip to see Santa!!

Got MOST of the basement done finally.  Mr. Vernon is working his frikkin ass off down there.  The metal man is taking all the stuff that is basically useless to everyone that you had piled down there for whatever reason…no one knows!  Mr. Vernon opened the door next to the hot water heater and low and behold…more JUNK!!  THANKS!!  I am SERIOUSLY tired of having to wake up at the crack ass of dawn on Monday morning to put all the trash out so that no one picks over it during the night and makes a huge mess that I have to clean up!!  I can not wait till it is DONE!!  We are going to get the last load out on Sunday and start organizing everything down there!  Mr.Vernon is taking your SnapOn tool box!  My gift to him for being so kind as to help me with this MAJOR project!!  BTW, he has taken a few other items but unfortunately the rest of the stuff went to the metal man!  The good thing is now I have the entire back of the basement to hide Christmas presents now!!  ROFL  EASY PEASY!!

I have to admit, I haven’t cried in a few days but that doesn’t mean I still don’t miss you like crazy!!  I did cry a bit at the Welfare Office today.  Seems they wanted me to get proof of your cancelled unemployment.  I told the woman “Ma’am they WILL NOT even talk to me let alone forward me any information on him.  The last time I tried to talk to them, the woman said ‘I can NOT speak to you’ and hung up on me”  The woman at Welfare was shocked and a little irritated at me but when I showed her your death certificate (that is when I cried) she hushed up and said I didn’t need proof of your unemployment.  Obviously if you are dead you AREN’T getting u/c benefits!  Took me to wait 3 1/2 hours just for them to take the information and tell me it could take another week or two to get benefits!  GGGRRR, can’t fight the fucking system huh!!  I really wish you were there to open your mouth and make heads roll, I could really use those food stamps!!  The 1 good thing is the boys STILL have health coverage…I can NOT afford $700.00 a month for their meds!

I have to go to Social Security on Friday to file for the boys to get your survivor benefits.  I have no idea how I am going to pay bills without those benefits!!  I can’t sell this place because it is in NO shape to be sold!!  Plus where am I going to go that is any cheaper than what I am paying now!!  I kinda liked being piss poor but now I am below piss!!

I am still trying to figure out how to get through this holiday without you.  It just doesn’t seem possible!!  I keep expecting you to walk in from work at 6 and be happily complaining about your day!  Or I look at the door and think you are flying in from snapping pictures of whatever and you say “I got some really good shots!”  When I had to go get the boys today because Michael was sick we walked in and I really expected you to be sitting on the couch asking them if they had good days!  Why is this so EASY for them and so HARD for me!??  I don’t know but I really would like to know!!

We had chicken cutlets (your favorite) tonight and CJ devoured it!!  Michael would have if his throat wasn’t a bit sore!  I put everything on the table, turned around to go get the juice and water and came back to the table and realized that there was no fried yellow squash there for you!  Then I remembered and was sad again!!  I almost cried all through dinner!!

Being decorated for Christmas is not helping me get through this at all!!  Somehow I GOTTA get through for Thing 1 and Thing 2!!!

I love you ALWAYS!!  831 my love!

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Tree is DONE!!

I told you I was going to get the tree done today and I did!!  Kinda looks like 4th of July in December (Christmas in July only in reverse!!  ROFL) .....

Cool huh?
It's what the boys and silver pine cones and American Flags!
They LOVE it!!

So my love, that is our tree!!

Cupcake Day at school!

After being in a serious funk last night I managed to take my advil and ambien and got to sleep all night however I still feel like I didn’t sleep through!  I am getting tired of not sleeping at night and feeling like DIRT the next day or sleeping all night and waking up and feeling like I NEVER slept!!  GGRRRR, when will it end!?

Anyway I got up and got the kids off as usual and I just got done baking 2 batches of cupcakes for school.  I did one batch vanilla with chocolate frosting and the other chocolate will have white frosting.  I was thinking of you smelling them and running up out of nowhere and saying “ooh, cupcakes!  I just have to taste them to make sure they are safe for the kids to eat!  It’s a dirty job but someone has to be brave enough to do it!”  ROFL  You used to crack me up!  Now who is going to taste them???  I need to know they are safe for the kids!  LOL

I am going to do the pine cones TODAY after I get done frosting the cupcakes.  It shouldn’t take me that long to do them.  Truth is I just didn’t feel like doing it yesterday.  I just had a really bad moment and was in a funk from that point on.  I think I tried to do too much too soon!  I missed you and got overwhelmed!  I was a blubbering mess after that!  My heart was shattering everywhere I looked.  Each elf reminded me of you, I found pics of your 50th birthday, the tree said “Pita”, and when I hung your stocking…that was it for me!!  A TEARY EYED BLUBBERING BABY MESS I was!!

I have to go frost those cupcakes before I forget and then I am taking a frosted batch and an unfrosted batch.  Those kids won’t be too happy if that happens!!  I will be back my love!!  831!!

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Christmas in Outer Space

Been a few days since I last wrote to you and I had a minute before I have to run out again so here it is…..

I am just about done with the front window.  I just have to put the stars in and another cloud or two then Christmas in Outer Space is complete!  The tree is up with the lights on it and 1 decoration LOL! I have to glitter the pine cones and hang them with the flags and bows for the boys!  They wanted to do the tree this year in gold and silver pine cones and American Flags!  I have no idea how that is going to look but it sounds interesting!  Just think of it as 4th of July in December!  Same as Christmas in July only reverse!!  ROFL

Most of the Christmas decorations are up around the house.  The Elves are here, in place and ready to report back to Santa!  The boys and your stockings are up.  I found the plush Santa’s you got the boys 2 years ago … you know the ones when you squeeze the right hand it says “Remember, the magic of Christmas lies in your heart!”

I wish you were here to see all the decorations that are up.  Everything looks so nice but it is very depressing at the same time.  I just want you back so badly and I know you will never return to me that it is killing me inside.  My heart is broken that you are gone and I miss you like CRAZY!!!  I would give ANYTHING to have you with me and the boys this Christmas.  I may not make it through this holiday season without a TOTAL MELTDOWN!!  I think out of ALL the Christmas’s in my entire life, this is going to be the single hardest one for me!!  Thank goodness for the boys to keep my focus where it needs to be…on them!!

I love and miss you DEARLY!!  831 Babe!

Sunday, November 20, 2011

It only took me 2 months ++ to have just 1 day tear free!

Yesterday was your funeral and it was a very emotional day for me.  Today I put Christmas decorations up.  How a person has her husband's funeral one day and puts up Christmas decoratoins the very next day DO NOT ASK!!  I still have no idea how I did it.  Yesterday was just too emotional for me and I really thought my plan of doing Christmas would be flown out the window but NOPE, it got done!"

I got up at 9ish and got my cup of coffee and started immediately.  As I was decorating I got a text from TK telling me that Buriak's wife Rubi passed away.  You remember Buriak right?  He was one of the old heads like me!!  This should be "IT" as far as death is concerned for me.  You know what I always say those kinds of things come in threes.  The first one was my brother Domenick about a month ago, then came you 11 days ago and now Rubi Buriak.  He was my BFF at the CCD.  Remember we used to get in trouble when we called each other BOOAX and VOGATELLI!  If I'm not mistaken they were going to write me up for not addressing him by his PROPER name in front of the supervisors one time!  I remember coming home and telling you about it and then you gave me a lecture about how important it is to follow the rules!!  Yeah, yeah, yeah!  Then we made MAD CRAZY LOVE that night and fell asleep!!  Yeah I would give ANYHTING I could at all to have one more MAD CRAZY LOVE Chuck Moment with you.

What am I to do when I am SO HORNY FOR YOU and yet you are gone??  Do I go try to find a secret "play thing" and feel like I am dishonoring your love and memory?  Do I just throw caution to the wind and put myself back on the market?  I don't know and I am seriously confused!

Anyway, I started decorating the tree before I even finished my first cup of java!  I knew that if I had sat and drank the damn thing that would have been an opportunity to NOT do it.  I promised the boys and I needed to start right then and there.  So I began and I took all the Halloween/Fall/Thanksgiving down and immediately put Christmas up!  Soon as the boys saw it they dubbed it Christmas in Outer Space.  I still have to add the clouds (snow blankets) at the bottom of the window, put some snow flakes and silver glows up then it is DONE!!

So after that was done...Mr Vernon came down for a favor and I needed to get the tree down so he helped me get it out of the hall closet and downstairs.  How angry would you be if I told you it only took me less than an hour to put the tree up and lights on??  Oh well, it is what it is.  I know you were the PERFECTIONIST and I just want it done NOW!!  BBUUUUUUUTTTT, mine looks as good as yours!!  neener neener neener!  The tree isn't done yet, I have to glitter the pine cones and Peggy is going to make bows and I think I am going to add red, white and blue balls along with the American Flags the boys want on there.  I can't wait until it's done so I can post the pic and show you.

I did the banister down the steps and put the Santa Face Advent calendar up.  Again I am still not done just yet.  Once everything is done I will post pics here for you to see.

Today was the first day I didn't cry in over 2 months.  Night is still not over just yet and I may be a blubbering mess when I lay down in a few minutes!

I am NOT looking forward to Christmas this year without you.  I have to TRY and put a game face on for that morning and NOT cry in front of them!  But first I have to get through Thanksgiving.  I feel like the ONLY thing I have to be thankful for is the boys.  You are gone and I am still COMPLETELY sad about it!!  I still miss you TERRIBLY and I would give ANYTHING to have you with me for just that day.  I can't be thankful for your absense in my life.  I am left with a HUGE VOID that can NEVER be refilled by anyone!  If anyone ever tried, they would have a very large pair of shoes to fill!

When I think of how much I miss you, something physical happens to me.  I get a deep feeling that a force is pulling me down to the ground...almost like I can not move.  I know it is depression and I am tired of it.  I am exhausted all day, everyday!!

As soon as Weight Watchers runs a new "join for free" special, I am SO THERE!!  You know me and my Weight Watchers.  I am looking forward to getting back there and healing the damage that was self inflicted during this whole thing!!  If I had to do it over again, I would do it a hundred times just for you!!  I did the best I could and I think I did a damn good job for you.  You have been gone for 11 days now and you are STILL the love of my life.  Yeah there were times we wanted to kill each other but we had a foundation in our relationship that couldn't be knocked down.  We truly loved each other enough to want each other dead one moment and be OVER IT the next moment!  I still love you heart and soul.  831 Babe!

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Getting ready

Yeah I know I got up WWWAAAAAYYYY too early but I just couldn't sleep any longer knowing what today was!

I took my shower, got dressed (yes I have deodorant on...LOL,) and I got the 2 coffee pots ready so far.  Remember the BIG 30 cup sucker you bought me about 10 years ago....well I am ANGRY because today is the first time I have had to use it!!  Why couldn't we break this sucker in before today?

So here I sit with Mimi and Shellby just enjoying the sweet sound of silence UNTIL the boys wake up.  Then the house will be a bit more normal.  I told the boys that if they DO NOT want to sit through the service because it is too much for them then they can go upstairs BUT they must respect the services for Daddy and Uncle Jim who is helping us pray for you and play quietly in their playroom.  I hope you don't mind but I think that is better then forcing them through a service that could give them the heebie jeebies!  Maybe I am right, maybe I am wrong....but I feel it's the best option to give the boys.  The Childrens Bereavement Counselor said that was a great option to give to the boys and NOT force them to do something that could set a very bad tone for them for their day.

So my final thing I want to say before today is ..... could you please send ME your strength for today?  I really need you today.  Send me a secret sign that you are here please.  Could you keep watching over the boys today and make sure they are ok today also.

I will be back later to let you know how I did....I love and miss you!!  831

Friday, November 18, 2011

I need YOU to help ME get through your funeral!

So here it is, the night before your funeral and I am not feeling my best, trust me.  Why can't you be here to help me get through this?  Why have I had people in and out of the house everyday since your death yet I feel like the loneliest person on the planet???  I miss you so much it is not even an emotional hurt but a physical pain that I feel everywhere in my body and my soul.  My world will NEVER be the same again without you in my life.  I WAS NOT ready to say goodbye to you and tomorrow is going to be the hardest thing I have EVER had to do.

I have to be honest here for a first experience with death was my Dad and I was 20 and believe me when I say it HURT like hell.  Then less then 2 years later my Dear Mom left this world forever and my world was completely CRUSHED!!!!  But THIS, this is the SINGLE hardest and most painful thing I have experienced in ALL my 44+ years!!  My entire life is SHATTERED!

You know how I feel about promises....people say 'promises were meant to be broken' but YOU KNOW "not in my world!!"  When someone promises something, they should ALWAYS honor their words!!  You PROMISED you would NEVER leave me and I can't get it out of my mind.  I can't stop thinking about you.  I can't imagine another day without you!  I get up every single day and I have to remember that you are no longer here.  Then I remember that I will NEVER touch your skin, hear your voice or look into your eyes again and it HURTS me physically!!  I NEED YOU BACK SO DESPERATELY RIGHT NOW I ACHE EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!!!!!!

I miss you so very much, please send your strength for me tomorrow....I am gonna need it!!  I love and miss you!

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Been 7 days....

I still can't believe you have been gone for 7 days now.  I keep thinking that it's been 7 days since I last saw your face, felt your skin, touched your head, spent time with you, said I loved you, kissed you...said goodbye!

Len called today and told me that your ashes were ready and he would bring them over tomorrow morning.  That's going to be a tough one but at least you will be home with me and the boys!  He told me that he split your ashes between the three boxes I gave him and he had a considerable amount left over and I told him to give them to me in a box and I would disburse them as I saw fit.  It's something I feel I have to do.  Then again, I may decide to keep them for myself...still not sure!  Hey I just had a thought, maybe I will find a way to get to the New Hope Lambertville Bridge and scatter some of your ashes there since that was where we stood and had our first kiss.  I remember that night and it will always remain in my heart as one of our best memories together!  I love and miss you!

Let me get going for now my love, the dryer just buzzed and I have to finish cleaning up and get dressed and go talk to Clair around the corner about food for Saturday.  Love ya!!

Monday, November 14, 2011

5 days since I last saw you.

Everyone says it gets easier with time….well it’s been 5 days and it’s harder now then it was the day you flew away.  Every song I hear reminds me of you in some strange way.  Looking up at the sky brings tears to my eyes because I keep hoping for a glimpse of your face peeking down at me through the night sky.  Sunshine makes me weep for you.  I can’t even vacuum or put out the trash without bursting out in a blubbering teary eyed mess!!

My days and nights are empty now that you are gone.  I can’t believe it’s only been 5 days but it feels like an eternity since I last saw you, touched you, heard your voice or looked into your eyes.  You are so far away from me and yet I can feel your presence at the same time.

So let me tell you how I am feeling right now at this very moment.  I feel like I should have made different decisions for you.  I feel like I did this to you.  If I didn’t stop the chemo and put you on hospice, you’d still be here with me, call me selfish!!  I feel like I gave up on you before you were ready to call it quits.  I feel like you are gone because of me.  

When does this guilt and sadness end?  When do you come to me and tell me that you aren’t angry, that you are proud of me for doing what I did and that you still love me??  I know I did the best I knew how for you but that is not helping because you are gone.  I never got a chance to explain why I did what I did.  I understand the reason why you left but I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to you.  I never wanted this for you.  I didn’t want you to hurt anymore.  EVERYTHING I did, I did out of sheer love for you and I hope that if it were me, you’d do the VERY SAME thing!  I am BEGGING you to send me a sign that you are ok, happy and not angry with me.

I had to let you go because I didn’t have a choice in the matter.  Same with the so called “strength!”  Not really too many options for me in the “strength" department!!  I HAVE TO DO IT for the boys.

I still pray every night that I wake up and the past 9 months was just a terrifying dream for me!  I know they say “time heals all wounds,” I am waiting for time just to help me get to the next minute.  For now I take comfort in knowing I am the sole owner of your best work ever…the boys!  Thank you for giving them to me for without them, I’d be there with you now.

I Love You Pita, Rest Peacefully My Love!

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Cop’in a feel!!

I was sitting here on the couch talking on the phone to my sil Peggy and the boys were about 2 feet away from me playing on their electronics.  All of a sudden something (or should I say SOMEONE) touched the side of my right boob!!  Yes I think he needed to cop a feel!!  I looked up and said “Um you should have done that last night.  You know the kids are here so stop it now!!  Later my love, later!!”

Even in death you are one horny devil!!  Maybe you will come to me in my dreams and make one of the wild ones come true!!  ::::wink, wink::::

The boys are bathed and ready for bed.  They are grabbing a bit of tv time watching Curious George and then it’s off to bed.  They are going back to school in the morning and Michael’s teacher, Ms. Campisi, said she would have an extra eye on the boys over the next few weeks.  The whole staff is really good over there and I am sure they will be ok tomorrow for their first day back.

They really have been AMAZING during this whole thing.  They are actually happy that you aren’t suffering anymore.  They are very sad that you are no longer here but comforted at the same time that you are peaceful and happy in Heaven!  When we went to Target tonight they were looking up at the sky for you and it was a very cloudy night so they were a bit disappointed that they couldn’t see you (twinkling star) looking down at them.  They said “Maybe Daddy is camouflaged right now!”  They cracked me up!!

Anyway today was a better day for me all in all.  I didn’t cry as much today as I have since Wednesday.  I hope for sweet dreams tonight and you BETTER be there and ready my love!!  G’nite Pita, I LOVE YOU!

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Thank You note....

Dear friends, I wanted to stop in tonight to thank each and every one of you for your kindness, support and love through this entire ordeal.

I not only lost my husband a.k.a. Pita, I lost my very best friend!!  He truly understood me better then anyone ever has before.  I would give anything to hear his "I love you" whisper just one more time.  The last time he said it to me was Saturday 11/5/11.  The last time we kissed was 11/7/11.  I will FOREVER keep those bittersweet memories with me as I travel this road alone with my kids.  My husband was a true artist and did some very fine works of art but he left me his best work yet....his kids!!  I cherish the love we shared together for 15 years.

My boys have been simply amazing through all of this.  They are actually happy and at peace within their own hearts that Daddy is in NO MORE PAIN and he is now cancer free.  My son CJ told me "Mommy, the angels HAD to come and get Daddy's soul because they KNEW the cancer would soon invade his soul!"  Michael told me "Mommy, Daddy traveled 16 miles to get to Heaven and he is happy now!"

Since his passing on Wednesday 11/9/11 at 8:20am I have seen the brightest stars in the sky hanging with the moon.  See my husband told me once that he applied for a job at NASA when he was 10 (yes hysterical I know) and he ALWAYS wanted to be in space with the astronauts and now FINALLY he is flying free.

I wanted to share this with you.  My husband put up one hell of a fight with this demon.  The night before he passed he was very bad and gasping for breath and his boys felt the need to go to him and tell him "Daddy, if you want to go home, it's ok because we understand why and we are going to be fine!"  I know darn good and well he didn't want to go that night because he knew how chaotic it would have been for the boys and I.  Instead he chose the next morning AFTER the boys were on the school bus on their way to school.  He KNEW I needed to get them in school to die so I could go spend some time with him while at peace and have enough time to get the arrangements made without upsetting the boys any further then they were.  He ALWAYS had a way of knowing what was best for his family.

So he remains in my heart, my life, my mind, my SOUL until my last breath and then we can be together again.

Again, a heartfelt thank you to EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU for everything along this journey.  I love all of you.

If anyone would like to view his obituary, please feel free to do so at

R.I.P. Charles Julius Voegtle Jr 10/9/51 to 11/9/11, you are FOREVER our husband and BFF, father, son, brother, nephew, cousin and friend!

Friday, November 11, 2011

I so need your opinion.

Today I worked on the urns that we will use for your remains and will be given to the boys when the time is right.  I really needed to hear your opinion on how they came out.  You always had an artist view for EVERYTHING and I needed so desperately to hear that you liked them and that you wouldn’t mind spending eternity in them.  Oh well, I can only hope you like them, the boys and I love them!

You’d be proud of me for making the urns myself….I managed to save about $1,800.00 on them doing them myself.  If I was to buy factory made ones from the undertaker and frankly they were the uglies things, so ugly I wouldn’t collect flies in them!!  The ones I am making are made from wood, quite unique so you can be assured that there are no others like this.  They are one of a kind…just like you were.  I miss you!!!!!

So the boys are sitting down on the floor watching Wild Kratts and I am sipping my wine, on your computer typing my heart out to you while listening to music.  Some of my online friends may open chat soon so I may slip in there to spend some time with my sisters!!

I have so many questions for you and I would give ANYTHING to hear your voice just once more.  I remember the last “I love you” you whispered to me (Saturday 11/5/11).  I remember the last 4 kisses you gave me (Monday 11/7/11).  Those are the bittersweet memories I will take with me always.  I want you back in my life again so desperately.  I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to you.  I feel like you lied to me because you promised you would NEVER leave me alone and here I am alone as I am ever going to be.  You promised I would only cry happy tears.  Now look at me….I am alone with my sad tears!  THANKS!!

I had so much to tell you and never got the chance to tell you everything I needed to say.  Why did you leave me?  Why didn’t you listen to me?  Why do I have to do this by myself?  What will happen to the boys now?  Am I going to be able to raise them myself without you?  

We know you had to go away but we weren’t ready for you to fly away.  You are so far away from me and I can never touch you again, never hear your voice, never feel your breath on me again!  I want to make love to you so desperately to feel your closeness once more.  I just need one more time………….

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Star light...

When we were going to Peggy’s house last night there was the brightest star in the sky hanging out next to the moon.  I know you always wanted to go see the moon "Mr. I applied to NASA at 10 years old!!”  LOL you cracked me up!  I told the boys the star was you and all they wanted to know was “is Daddy following us?”  I told them “yes!” and they smiled. <3<3<3   xoxo

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

R.I.P. Pita

I am sad to say that my beloved Pita lost his battle with the demon this morning at 8:20.  He went home in the arms of the angels peacefully looking up at the sky!  He is in no more pain, there is no more suffering and he is resting comfortably in GOD'S kingdom!  He can breath freely and be with his loved ones that welcomed him in Heaven.

I will update further and I will also use this blog to leave messages for Pita.  Please feel free to continue to follow my blog if you like.

Thank you so much everyone for following me through this journey and loving and supporting me every step of the way.

R.I.P. Charles J. Voegtle Jr MY BELOVED Pita, you are FOREVER MY LOVE!!

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Another visit

My sil Peggy called and said that she was with Pita and he didn’t look good at all.  That he had no idea she was there.  His BF from down the street came over while I was on the phone with her and we decided to go see him with the boys.  When we got there another friend of his from his job was visiting with him as well which I am sure he enjoyed.

I noticed his breathing was much more labored during my second visit and when I brought it to the nurses attention, she gave him some morphine and his breathing seemed to calm a bit more before I left for the night.

I have an appointment in the morning to go before I go see him tomorrow.  I can’t wait to see him again to tell him how much I love him!!  I am hoping to have a better night sleep tonight then I did last night in spite of my throbbing headache!!  Gonna try and check in tomorrow during the day and update you.

Saw Pita today

and he still can’t talk or swallow.  He continues his swift decline.  He is now having a difficult time breathing.  It’s very shallow and labored and you can see he is giving it all his effort to take each breath!  Even with the conditions he is in, it was so good to see him today.  I didn’t want to leave him but I know I had to get the boys home and take care of them!  Love my boogers!!

I had the hardest time getting to sleep last night.  It took me 4 hours to calm down enough to finally pass out from exhaustion.  My heart was beating a mile a minute and I couldn’t calm myself down to relax enough to go to sleep.  I would doze out in short spurts like 10 or 15 minutes then I would be awake for 20 to 40 minutes crying my eyes out again.  Not sure how much longer I can go on line this because I am just tired all the time with little to no energy but still I trudge through for the boys.  I sit down and want to fall asleep but can’t because I am walking on eggshells in my own house worrying that the phone will ring and it will be over and I go into panic mode with my thoughts.  Then I end up crying and the cycle starts all over again!  I am getting very forgetful and not remembering appointments, events or even some bills now!  I know it will pass with time but not having the bills paid (if any) puts me in even more panic mode!!  WHICH SUCKS!!  Why can’t this just be a bad dream?  Why can’t this be over?  Why is this happening to my Pita, the boys and I???  So many questions and I am forever left with no answers.

Every time I am up there and it’s time to leave there is this overwhelming feeling that this is the last time I will see his face, look into his eyes, touch his skin or hold his hand.  Then there is that secret little part of me that WANTS it so desperately to be the last time so he is eternally peaceful!  I absolutely hate cancer and what it has done to my Pita.  He is MINE and how dare this demon take another person I dearly love!!!

The boys and music are keeping me going through all of this.  I always say “If I am the rock, then they are my mountain!!”  The music is just the calm before, during and after the storm!  I wonder what the weather is going to be like tomorrow??

Monday, November 7, 2011

About 2 weeks….

is what the dr told me today.  Pita is declining so rapidly that she couldn’t give me a time frame but said she would be surprised if he made it 2 weeks.

I saw him on Saturday and he looked visibly declined but still ok.  Today I saw him and he is in an adult diaper with a condom cath on, he can’t talk or swallow and if the try to give him water to drink orally he just aspirates it.  They can’t give him IV fluids because it will collect in his extremities and will swell his body which will make things worse for him.

The dr.'s have been trying different medicine doses to keep him pain free and avoid the agitation that he has and they think they found the proper dosage for his medication needs.

I can’t believe I am going to have to say goodbye to my Pita in about 2 weeks.  I pray that he wakes up tomorrow and he is cured and he raises holy hell to get out of there and come home and lecture me for putting him in the hospital!  I don’t want to say goodbye to him.  I love him and I want him in my life as my husband and father of our boys!

For better, for worse
Til death do us part
I love you with every beat of my heart

Friday, November 4, 2011

Respite/Hospice Care

I missed the boys Halloween and I was very upset about it and knowing that Pita CAN NOT be left alone for a split second, I had to make arrangements for his safety for this weekend so I could take the boys to Sesame Place for their Spooktacular as part of the Variety Club For Children With Autism.  I spoke to the social worker and we were able to get him to the hospice facility as a Respite patient for 5 days.

After having the freedom to take the boys to Cub Scouts last night I quickly realized how much of a prisoner the boys and I am in the house if Pita stays here with me.  I was able to sleep without fear that he would attempt to come down the steps and possibly fall!  If he stays home, I can’t go to dr appts for the boys or myself, school for emergencies or report cards and such, take the boys to the park or even go food shopping for the guys.  I am TRAPPED in the house at all times even though I can not provide the 24 hour round the clock care that he so desperately needs.  

After mulling over it for a few days now, I finally decided last night that now that he is in the hospice facility I would talk with them about possibly leaving him there for his own safety.  I am not trying to dessert him and I don’t want to have him feel like I am doing it TO him but rather FOR him!!  He doesn’t understand where he is or why he is even there and is quite aggitated at everyone.  It’s because the cancer is in his brain and he is really confused which I totally understand that part.  I think if I was quite confused about my whereabouts I would be angry and hostile at times too.

So the dr.’s are going to observe him over the weekend and adjust meds if they have to to keep him as comfy as possible and they may end up keeping him there on a permanent basis.  Maybe not at THAT facility but another hospice care center that is more suitable for his needs.  I can go back to being wife, the kids can go back to bring the boys and life at home will be a bit more normal for my kids which is more important right now.  Pita will be WELL TAKEN CARE OF.  I have to concentrate my efforts on the boys and what’s best for them.  This move is best for EVERYONE involved!

So I am sending a message to Mr. Guilt.  I understand you like to come into my life and cloud my thinking and mess with my emotions over this entire thing.  I think you are related to cancer in some way.  It’s ok because I will conquer you the same as my son CJ will your cancer friend if it’s the LAST thing I ever do.  You will not make me feel guilty about me doing what’s best for my precious boys.  You and cancer can both go to hell as far as I am concerned!!  You got me with my Mom but you WILL not consume me with my kids!!  BUZZ OFF!!!

Note to Pita, I love you so very much and I only want what’s best for you.  I can’t devote 24 hours each day to care for you because I HAVE TO think of our boys.  For your safety and the boys and my best interest, I put you in place that is more suitable for your needs.  Please do not be angry with me and try to understand why this decision was made.  I didn’t do it TO you, I did it FOR you!  THE BOYS AND I ARE ALWAYS HERE FOR YOU!!!  Just because you aren’t at home doesn’t mean you will NEVER see us again.  We’re coming to see you as much as we can.  We would NEVER and WILL NEVER forget you!!!  You are our Husband, Daddy, Son, Brother, Uncle, Cousin, Our Lovey always and forever!!  LOVE YOU Pita!!  MUAH!!

Wednesday, November 2, 2011


Today was actually a quiet day for Pita except for when he decided to come downstairs naked.  Thank goodness I was home to hear him shuffling down the steps and that NO ONE else was here to see him in all his glory!!  lol  He came downstairs for 2 whole minutes and attempted to rush back up the steps to bed!  I can’t leave him alone for a SECOND because what if he decides to try to come down the steps again, loses his balance and falls!!???  I would NEVER forgive myself if I wasn’t here!

I have been thinking about putting Pita in the hospice facility but since he hasn’t signed the DNR, he can’t go there.  So he stays with me and unfortunately I have to wait till he is no longer able to make decisions for himself and then I will have to sign the DNR.  Then and ONLY then can they admit him to the hospice facility and I can have at least a little bit of a break.  My boys wouldn’t see him everyday but they don’t really see him everyday now.  Of course before I can do this I have to get past my own personal demon….Mr. GUILT!!!  Every time I think about putting him in there, I get this overwhelming feeling of me letting him down or deserting him.  I just can’t do that to him but at the same time, I don’t think I could handle it if I found him gone, if he was dying in front of me or the boys or if something else serious happened to him.  I can’t figure out why I am having such a hard time with this.  I know it would be a better choice for him and he would have round the clock care which is something I JUST CAN’T give him.  I just have to say goodbye to Mr. Guilt first!!!  How is the question!  I need to find a way to close the door on Mr. Guilt and open the FREEDOM door!  Freedom from guilt, freedom from watching him and not being able to do a thing about it, freedom for the boys!  Yes the good outweigh’s the bad here so I am giving this serious consideration for when the time comes.

Tomorrow is Cub Scouts with the boys and I am going to have to stay home with Pita while my sil Peggy takes them there.  I feel like I am deserting the boys in order to care for Pita.  I know it’s not his fault but feeling like I am letting the boys down is WORSE then anything I could ever imagine.  Everything I do whether it be for them, Pita or his family, my family or anyone else is ALWAYS done with their best interest in mind first!!!  Every decision I make is for their safety, health and wellbeing!!  I have to because it comforts me to know that my kids are smiling, happy, healthy and SAFE everyday!!  I love my boys more then I love ANYONE or ANYTHING on this planet!!!  I would be lost without my skootches!!  On Sept 3rd, 2004 I dedicated my entire existence to them and I am BOUND & DETERMINED to continue on my journey with them!!  Love my boys  <3<3<3

So Pita is peacefully sleeping for the night.  I hope he stays there because I am not so good at hearing things go bump in the night like I used to be!!

Sleep well my love, see ya in the morning!!  MUAH!

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Extremely Emotional Day Yesterday

Sunday night I couldn’t go to sleep because I had this overwhelming feeling that I wouldn’t see Pita again.  I called the nurse in a panic and she called me back and talked with me and calmed me down enough to get me to go to sleep.  I was back up at 4:45 in the morning and again, I was an emotional WRECK!!!  It took me an hour to muster up the bravery to go check on him and he was REALLY BAD!!  I swear it looked like he was getting ready to take his last breath.  I told him that he didn’t have to worry about the boys and I because I was going to be sure and take care of us always.  He could count on that.  I also told him that if he wanted to go home, he could without worry because he would ALWAYS be my husband and the boys Dad!!  We would always hold him in our lives and hearts forever.  I also told him it wasn’t necessary for him to drag himself through this suffering if he wanted to go home with the angels.  He started getting a little teary eyed and I covered him up and whispered I loved him DEARLY and left him sleeping.

6:30am I went and got the boys up and ready for and out for school.  I took a shower and ran out to get Halloween candy and when I walked in the house it happened again.  Another overwhelming rush of emotions came over me because I had a feeling he had died while I was gone!  I started feeling guilty because I wasn’t here for him and I couldn’t stop crying!!  I called the nurse and she calmed me down again.  She rushed over and checked on him and he was ok.  So since her visit I have been questioning my ability to care for him in the proper way.  My mother was so graceful in taking care of my Dad till his last breath and I don’t know if I could ever fill her shoes.  I have spent months second guessing my every attempt to take good care of him and now I am stuck in self doubt!!

I think this entire roller coaster I am on is due to the fact that my younger brother’s death is now sinking in!!

Then I couldn’t go trick-or-treating with the boys and I was SO ANGRY about it.  This is the first holiday EVER since their birth that I missed it!!  I felt like a weekend Mother for the first time in their lives and it didn’t feel good!!!  I cried for about an hour and missed the HELL OUT OF MY GUYS!!!  Missing their halloween absolutely broke my heart!!  I will NEVER EVER EVER miss another holiday no matter how big or small!!

Today is a better day for me emotionally.  Pita is having a peacefully quiet day.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Last Rights/Baptism today. Busy Day!

Pita received his last rights and while we had the opportunity we went ahead and baptized the boys!  Pita and I always wanted to get it done but we never got the opportunity.  It was a private little ceremony that was held right in Pita’s bedroom at the foot of his bed so he could be a part of it!  This made me feel so good that he was able to see them FINALLY be baptized.  I know he is happy with it as well.

My sweet and wonderful Cousin Jim was able to perform both the last rights and the baptism for me during his visit today.  And truth be told, I am so glad we waited until HE was able to do this for us.  I always wanted him to perform the baptism and I am so glad he graciously agreed to do it for us under these circumstances.

To Franny and Jim…..THANK YOU SO MUCH JIM.  I know if Pita could tell you himself, he would shout it with me as well.  Your kindness through this entire ordeal is beyond words for me!  You have no idea how much I appreciate you and Franny as our family and part of our lives.  I can never repay you.  Thank you both!

To my sil Peggy…..Thank you Peggy for ALWAYS being an important part of CJ and Michael’s lives.  You are always there for good, bad and everything in between!  You say that everything happens for a reason and I have to say when it comes to the family…I believe you.  Pita and I met and married for 2 reasons…CJ AND MICHAEL!!  GOD sent me CJ and Michael so that I would be ok and stay strong during Pita’s illness.  He sent you into our lives to help support us the way you do and you do it best!  Thank you so much, I can not begin to imagine our lives without you in it.  Don’t you EVER leave us!!  EVER!!

To Dad…..Thank you so much for coming to see Pita today.  You made his day, it brightened him up even though he may not have showed it. When I saw his face when you walked in the room, I knew he was happy!!  Thank you for making him happy!

To my sister Maria….Thank you for coming and being a part of the baptism.  You have no idea how much I sincerely appreciate your kindness and love ALL OF MY LIFE!!  I am so happy YOU are my ONLY big sister!  I love you!

To Anthony and Katie….Thank you very much for coming and seeing Pita today.  He was looking forward to seeing you guys all day since I told him this morning that you guys may be coming to see him today.  Thank you for making Pita smile!!  WE LOVE YOU BOTH!!

Saturday, October 29, 2011

NEVER been more scared in my life!

Ok I had a MAJOR scary moment today.  After hearing of the passing of my younger brother (R.I.P. Domenick) I had a very bad, emotional and quite jumpy day!  So about 6 pm I went up to check on Pita and I saw his blankets slumped over the side of the bed and it really looked like he was tangled up in the blankets.  I started calling his name and I got no answer and I was completely afraid to touch what I thought was him!  I called his name again, only this time a little louder and still I got nothing.  So now I am completely PANIC STRICKEN and I SCREAM his name and I heard him scream "WHAT!" back at me and I fly into the bathroom and he is sitting on the throne!!  My heart was beating SO HARD that I could hardly talk and I grabbed him and apologized for screaming for him and grabbed him and hugged him!!

I am not so sure if I can do this!  I was like a MAD WOMAN when I saw those blankets slumped over the side of his bed and it really looked like he was gone.  I was so shaken to my core that I could hardly walk!

After calming down enough to walk down the steps I sat at my dining room table and said to myself "Dear Lord before you take him, give me a few days to wrap my head around the loss of my brother.  PLEASE, 1 death at a time!!!"

So unfortunately my Cousin Jim and the rest of the family had to cancel for today due to the weather.  It's ONLY October 29th and it was snowing.  It was snowing so bad where Jim is from, it would have been too dangerous for him to drive.  I am a firm "SAFETY FIRST" believer!!  So we rescheduled for tomorrow.  He will be given his last rights and Jim will baptize my boys so that Daddy can be present for it!

BONUS:  Pita's Dad is coming to see him tomorrow!  He is really looking forward to see his Dad.  He was very excited when I told him Dad was coming to see him tomorrow.

Sleep well and rest up Pita...see ya in the morning!

Last Rights

Today my Dear Cousin Reverend Jim and his wife Franny are coming to administer Pita’s last rights.  He will also be a complete sweet heart and baptize my kids FINALLY!  It’s about time we have it done, they’re only 7!  So we will have it done now so that Pita can be a part of it.  We discussed it quite often over the past few years and we wanted to get it done but life was always so busy and it just got put off on the back burner!  Well today is the day and I know Jim is going to do a wonderfully beautiful job.  I trust he will!!!  He is such a kind and caring man, I don’t think I would want anyone else to do this for my precious boys!!  I also wouldn’t want ANYONE ELSE to give Pita his last rights.  Thank you Cousin Jim for your gracious kindness during this entire ordeal.

I am hoping that Pita’s Dad stops by today to see him.  He will be THRILLED to see him even though he is a bit under the weather today.  The last time they saw each other was Sept 3rd at the boys 7th birthday party so a visit is most certainly in order!  I look forward to seeing Pita’s face when his Dad walks in the room.

So here I am just lightly spiffying up the house while the boys are playing on the computer and the iPad!  

I went and checked in on Pita and another dreary and damp day means a VERY BAD day for him.  He is achy all over his body but he simply doesn’t want his medication right now.  I will go up in about an hour and offer it again and he may be ready to take it then!

Anyone that took the time to read today’s entry, I was wondering if you could do me a small favor?  Since he is receiving his last rights today, I was wondering if you could you please post a little “prayer type” reply to him so that I can read them to Pita later so that he can hear that there are others who love him and are praying for him and his dear family.

Thank you for your kind thoughts and prayers through all of this.  WE ALL appreciate it!  HUGS TO ALL!

Friday, October 28, 2011

Someone please wake me up NOW!!!!!

The hospice nurse came today at 4:45pm and she checked Pita and when we came back downstairs what she said next I just wasn't prepared for.  She said from what she is observing he could die any day now.  She said if he makes it to Thanksgiving it will be good but we shouldn't get our hopes up for him being with us for Christmas!  I wasn't ready for this.  I never thought my life would be like this that I would become a widow at the age of 44!!  I don't want him to leave my life, I am NOT ready for this at all!!  I don't want to tell my kids that Daddy died.  I don't want to tell myself that.  I don't want to tell the world that I am a widow!  I AM NOT READY GOD DAMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why can't I wake the hell up from this nightmare!????  When will this bad dream end?  I want to wake up in the morning and know it was all a very bad nightmare and everything is IN FACT ok.  He will come downstairs and lecture me and the boys as he is walking out the door to go to work on Saturday.  I will be upset that he has to work but I will know he is working hard to provide for the boys and I!!  I will call him and ask him to pick up milk on the way home and he will lecture me AGAIN that I should have thought about that when I was at the supermarket last!!  Then I will lecture back that the last time I was at the supermarket I DID remember the milk but you and your kids drank it all because the last time I was at the supermarket was a week ago!!  I will hang up and bitch him out from one end of the house to the other then it will be OVER!  He will come home and complain about what is for dinner or about how I cooked the vegetables!!  Our life would be normal again when I wake up!!!!  I want to wake up, someone please wake me up NOW!!!

My life is in danger of a MAJOR change that I don't want, my kids don't want, we shouldn't have to be forced to deal with!!

I want my Pita BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I Love You! Shifting to autopilot!!

You wanna know what's funny about those 3 little words.  Pita and I haven't said that to each other in months ... maybe even YEARS!!!!  Why I don't know because we used to say it all the time.  We NEVER got off the phone without saying "I love you!  I love you too!"  As a matter of fact if we didn't say it, we would call each other back and remind the other "I love you!" and we would just laugh!  Then one day it was never said again!!  SAD!!!

For the past month I think we say it to each other at least 10 times a day.  I say "I love you SUGAR! or I love you SWEETS!" and he RESPONDS each and every time!!  Makes me feel good!!  I don't want to think of the day he can't say it anymore..he will find a way to respond, I just know it.  He will be with the boys and I ALWAYS!

Autopilot is a very good analogy!!!  I put my game face on and shift to autopilot and do what I have to do.  I REFUSE to put Pita in a hospital.  He is my husband and I love and take care of him until he flys home with the angels!  I like to think he would do the same for me!  It comforts me to know that I am keeping him comfortable for the short time he has left in this life. 

I adore him and I will always cherish the gifts that were given to us 7 years ago...those beautiful boys!!  I am beginning to think GOD gave me the boys to somehow keep me happy in my husband's inevitable absence.  My cousin Franny put it best when I spoke to her last night.  She told me the boys were my "Jr. Pita's"  I just laughed and agreed!!  lol

I know one thing, if I had to go through this entire ordeal totally alone....I'd probably be a basket case.  The boys keep me grounded through this entire thing!!  People say I am the strong one, that I am the ROCK....truth is THEY are my ROCK!  I draw strength from them, they are the bravest human beings I know!  I love them so much and I can NEVER repay them for keeping me strong through all of this!  If I am the rock then C&M are the MOUNTAIN!!

Thursday, October 27, 2011


Pita had a VERY BAD day today!!  Unfortunately the whether now plays a major role in whether he is going to have a a good or bad day and it was so dreary and damp out today that it started and ended bad!

He slept for the better part of the day and when he did wake up he complained about pain in his left side and asked for pain medication.  I accidentially gave him the wrong pain meds and 2 hours later he was asking for more pain medicine and when I realized what I did, I called the hospice nurse and asked if it was safe to give him more.  She instructed me on how to handle it and he is peacefully sleeping now.  Poor guy was so achey today, there was just no relief in sight for him!!  I hope he sleeps well tonight and has a better day tomorrow!

Bad morning!

Woke up at 6:30 this morning and got the boys fed, teeth brushed, dressed and out the door for school.  I went up to check on Pita after the boys were out and he was demanding pain medicine because his entire left side was hurting.  I gave him his pain meds and laid him back down, covered him up, tucked him in and left him to go back to sleep.  When the nurse comes today, I will let her know that he had pain this morning.

Yesterday his Hospice Comfort Kit arrived and that's when it hit me!  It was like BOOM!!!  I realized the end is near for Pita.  I don't want to let him go, I want him cured and back in my life FULL FORCE!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

I just needed for my house to feel normal again....

and I got yelled at for it! 

I made plans to host a dinner for some of my "guardian angels" you know the people that keep me sane through all this.  This included my sil Peggy, my sister Mary and her g'son, our dear friend Mr. Vernon (whom without him, my house wouldn't be as clean as it is), and my friend Michele and her beautiful daughter Cree, her wonderful boyfriend CJ and their gorgeous girls Sabrina (we still have to finish our MAN requirements list girlfriend!!) and Olivia.

I made a huge pot of spaghetti sauce and cooked sausage and mozzarella stuffed meatballs.  Tonight before everyone came over I put the water on for the spaghetti and we had dinner and we laughed and had a wonderful time.

It felt SO GOOD to have some normalcy back in my was a great time and I loved having everyone over and feeding those that stick with me through this whole thing as sort of a "thank you from the bottom of my heart!"  It felt good to see everyone enjoying the meal I cooked for them and laughing instead of the silent doom and gloom that we currently live in.

I go check on Pita and bring him 2 Oreo cookies and that's when he hollared at me for carrying on so late in the evening when he is trying to sleep.  Sorry dude, but it was worth every moment of you yelling at me to have 1 night of normalcy in this's been a LONG TIME!!

I apologize and next time we will be more quiet!  Now shut your trap and go to bed!!  ROFL

I shall see you in the morning!


 So I was putting the boys on the school bus today and before I did, I gave them their usual piece of chewing gum so as to save their clothing from being chewed to SHREDS!!!  I see the attendant telling them they can't have it so I go to the bus and she tells me it's a safety issue!  REALLY??  Gum on a school bus is a safety issue???? 

WOW not only do you learn something new everyday but you also learn something stupid everyday I guess!!

Needless to say you can't fight the system so I tell them to give me their gum and they are off on their way to school!

I bring Pita his tea and get him situated before he barks at me to get out (he does it all the time...LOL) then I go use the potty.  Now I am thinking about this gum on the bus!

My first thought was "How stupid, I mean really!  Why can't kids just be kids even with their sensory, behavioral and STIM issues!!????"

Then my mind really goes off on a tangent!!  "everyone is attempting to save the whales, save the kids, save the elephants, save this, save that!!  The ONLY thing that needs saving is the fucking people!!"

Now think about it for a second....

If people weren't out on the oceans harpooning the whales, they would be fine!

If people weren't so busy telling kids what they CAN'T do and how to live THEIR lives and shape THEIR essence, they'd be fine!

If people weren't killing elephants for their tusks, they'd be fine!

If people weren't busy slinging mud during elections, they's be fine, WE'D BE FINE!

If people weren't busy getting into EVERY aspect of EVERYTHING that is WRONG, everything would be FINE!!!

See what I mean!

Nothing needs saving but PEOPLE!!!

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Not sure if this makes sense but....

Have you ever wanted someone to die???  Well I do, I want my husband to die and not for the reasons you may be thinking.  I want him to die because it will bring him peace, his suffering can be over FINALLY and he will be going to a much better place then being trapped down here suffering the way he is.  I also want him to die because I need the boys and I to move on with our life and not be stuck watching him suffer day in and day out.  I want it OVER and I want to just move on!  Having him die will bring such sadness to us for sure but at the same time it will also bring relief that he is at peace and there will be no more cancer, no more dementia, no more complete quality of life, no more suffering, no more pain.

I struggle with this daily knowing it's completely wrong to want someone dead.  I (DON'T WANT TO) can't imagine my life without him but I also don't want him living the life he is living now.  I have no idea if this makes sense to anyone but for me it makes perfect sense.

Now you can bash me if you have to but if you saw what I see and dealt with what I deal with every single day with no relief in sight...I think you'd feel differently.

This is my prayer tonight and every night....

Dear Lord hear my prayer.  Please send the angels to visit with my husband so they can reassure him that the boys and I are going to be just fine.  He can trust that I am going to do everything in my Motherly power to keep the boys safe, provide the best I can for them, I will always fight and advocate for them, and we will always keep him as part of our daily lives by NEVER letting his memory die.  I am here to take care of our gorgeous precious boys that we created together out of the love that we shared together.  Send the angels to give him his wings so he can fly home to live with you in your beautiful heavenly world.  Let them guide him home to his Mother, Grandmother and all the other family he has waiting up in heaven for him to return safely.  Please ease his pain and suffering somehow, someway, the best way you know how.  Give him peace once and for all I beg you Dear Lord....please hear my prayer.

I think he still loves me/hoping for a better day today!

This morning I went in to check on Pita and he was a sleepy head this morning so I just covered him up, tucked him in and left him sleeping.

I just got home from Target...had to go get the boys winter coats.  I just went up to check on Pita and he was laying there sleeping peacefully under his favorite blanket and I took 2 more blankets and put them over him and tucked him and he DIDN'T move!  So I rub his head and kiss him and still DIDN'T move!!  So I kiss him on the forehead and whisper "I love you" in his ear and he whispers back "I Love You Too!"  My Sleepy Head!!

I just smiled and left him sleeping!

The home health aid came yesterday and he was sleeping and she saw someone go into the bathroom before he got up to use it and when he got up to go she said "There is someone in there you may want to wait a minute Mr V." and he snaps at her "it's my house and I know if there is someone in my bathroom!!"  She said "but I just saw someone go in there, would you like me to check and see if it's clear for you?"  Again he snapped "This is MY HOUSE, I DON'T NEED ANYONE TO TELL ME IF MY BATHROOM IS CLEAR OR NOT, GOT IT MISSY!!"

So I go upstairs and see if I could help in some way and she explains what happened and then I go check on him and he is still going on about how it's his house and she doesn't have a right to tell him who is in or not in the bathroom.  OH GIVE IT A REST!!!!  I told him to just calm down and go back to bed which he did!!

Boy he can have quite a mean streak!!  I call him Mr. Happy!

Last night after I got home from the supermarket my sil P went up to use the bathroom and she stopped in to check on Pita before she came back down and she asked "how you feeling?"  He said "I want FOOD!"  She asks "what kind of food?"  He said "I don't know I have to talk with my wife!"  She comes down laughing and says "your husband needs to consult with you about his FOOD he wants!  I asked if he was ok and he said 'I want FOOD!' so he wants FOOD"  I send my son CJ up with french fries and chicken nuggets and at least he was happy.

I hope he has a better day today!