Saturday, April 14, 2012

Dear Chuck

I wanted to write you and let you know that I know you are happy where you are because you aren't suffering any longer.  I did everything I could to ease your pain during your illness NOTHING SHORT of walking through fire for you and guess what I'd do it again if I had to over and over and over again as well.

I have to be honest here for a bit....I have been living with grief and guilt since long before November 9th.  The real you flew away from our life long before that and I have been grieving that man for a very long time.  I have been guilt ridden since because prior to your illness I was too busy complaining about MY NEEDS and not once thinking about yours.  My guilt came Feb 2011 when I heard those fateful words "His cancer is at stage 4!"  I had almost sent you packing because of an unknown illness.  I thank goodness I didn't because I wouldn't be able to live with myself had I left and you died alone!  I said "til death do us part!" and I meant it.  I loved you because you saved me from danger and when everyone else was walking out you stayed with me.  You even went to bat for me with my own family and defended me to the bitter end.

I have to be honest I am very tired of living with grief.  I want to be able to walk away from that freely knowing in my heart and my mind that I did everything I could to take care of you.  Not only for the boys but for you as well.  When you were hurt, I cried.  When you bled, I was the one that put a bandage on you.  When you fell, I picked you up.  I was your strength when you were weak, I was your voice when you couldn't speak, I was your eyes when you couldn't see, I was your faith in this life.  I walked through hell, kicked ass first and asked questions later for you!!  I fought every single moment for you!  However when you died, I was alone!  The finality of it was just too much to bear for me.  I had no idea how I would ever move on without hearing your voice ever again, without ever touching your skin ever again, without ever seeing your eyes ever one moment, I honestly wanted to die with you so I could be with you through your journey.  At least that way we could be together.  I had so much more to tell you and you weren't here to say it to.  I hated GOD, you, myself...I hated the world.  How dare it move forward without you in it!!  I desperately needed you back in my life.

I know why you had to leave us and I understand and I am not angry at you.  This was never something you chose and we all understand that.  GOD called you back home for a reason and when I get back there he better fill me in!!  I want to know!  He got some splainin to do!  That's the least he could do for all the crap he had me go through for my life!  And I finally felt safe with you and then he takes you away.  GGGRRRR!!!!  I was SO ANGRY at him I didn't think I would ever get past that.  When you were sick I admitted to Jim my deep anger toward GOD for doing to you what he was doing and he told me "no worries, GOD can handle your anger and he will love you through it!"  I never forgot that statement.  I thought about that every single day....I heard him say it to me over and over and over again.  I would hear him say it every time I walked in the bedroom and you would be just getting sicker and sicker and dying before my eyes!

I am not angry at GOD anymore...he needed you and he called you.  He sent you to be in your boys lives for a reason and I know the reason is to inspire them to do the best they can in this life to honor you!  When I feel the sun shining, I know you are smiling down on us.  When we see the big star, we shout 'THERE'S DADDY!"  We take comfort in knowing that you are always with us in spirit and you are still finding ways to protect us even in the after life!

I am not angry at GOD because he knew your time on this earth was done and your job was complete.  It was to be my husband and give me two special boys!  You fulfilled your destiny in this life and you did an amazing job!!!  I can't thank you enough for picking me out of all the girls to be with.  I can't thank you enough for giving me those boys.  My life is so much richer with them in it and they are in it because of you!!

I called and spoke to Jim today and he told me something today that I want to share with you.  He told me grief is killer!  I don't want to live with that anymore!!  There is too much happiness out there and I think I deserve a little piece of it!

I know I am rambling here but the reason I am writing you is because I don't want to live grief stricken with a dead husband any longer.  I want to live with your memory and know that no matter where I go in life, a small part of you is there looking out.  I want to look up at the sky and feel the sun shining and know that you are happy, safe and LOVED.  I want to see the stars and know that you are there twinkling out of love for us!  I have to leave you where you are now to fly free.  I need you to understand that I have to let go of grief, move forward with my life on my terms and look for the happiness that is out there for me.  It's going to be hard but with a little work and a lot of faith I think I can do it!!  All I ask is that you peek down and make sure I'm ok every now and again!  Keep an eye out for the boys when I can't see them and make sure they are ok.  BE THERE for all the important stuff like graduations and other life changing events for them!  Know that I will ALWAYS LOVE YOU and I miss you every single day of my life!  You were and always will be my Pita!!

I am not sad that it's over....I am thankful it happened!

R.I.P. Charles Julius Voegtle Jr you will always be our beloved husband and father

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Merry Christmas my love!

Well I made it through without one tear.  We went to Pegs yesterday afternoon and we were home by 6:30.  When we were on the train coming home Michael got VERY SAD because he missed you.  He kept saying he missed you and Aunt Peggy.  He is REALLY worried that she is going to get cancer and die like you did and that makes him EXTREMELY SAD!!

I had a lot of stuff to do before today.  Got almost everything done but it just wasn’t the same without you here.  I was too busy to be sad though.  Having to do it for the boys kept me busy.  I know you would have wanted the boys to have a fabulous Christmas regardless!  I have to tell you honestly that if the boys never were, I’d have locked the friggin door, never let anyone in and NOT celebrated anything this holiday season!!  It just doesn’t seem Christmasy to me without you.  I just wanted to have you hear with me, putting the gifts under the tree alone was the hardest!!  Not that I couldn’t do it, but that you always did it!!

THANK GOODNESS it’s over.  I will not be sad at all to see 2011 pass.  I’m not looking forward to 2012 but it certainly can’t be any worse then this year was for me!!  I lost too much already…what more can they take from me??  The day you left this world, I lost just about my entire life.  I have to redirect my focus on the boys where it needs to be.  I would give anything to have you back in my life for just a few hours.

Tomorrow we are going to your Aunt Alice’s for lunch.  The first time ever the boys and I have ever been there.  Hopefully it won’t be the last.  She is a sweet lady and I enjoy talking to her.

So I am going to sign off for now because I got up VERY EARLY and been on the go ever since and I am EXHAUSTED!!  Merry Christmas my love, I Love You!!  831!

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Been very busy.

Hi sweety…I haven’t been here in quite some time and I have so much to tell you but I have been so busy lately and tonight I am just bushed.

Barbara got here yesterday morning and she stayed here last night which was very nice.  Mimi actually ADORES her and she likes Mimi if you can believe that!!

Tonight I had Franny and Jim over for dinner while Barbara was here.  Peggy and Mr. Vernon came and we had a very nice dinner.  I made Capellini Al Forno which was absolutely delicious!!  YUMMO.  Not sure of you would have liked it but I think you would have a few years ago before you got sick!!  We had a very nice time and I missed you a lot tonight.

I started back at Weight Watchers last Sunday and the first week I lost 5 lbs.  Of course tonight….I may have gained it back!!  ROFL!!  Oh well, I will get back on track and it was only 1 day so I am ok for now.  I just have to get through Christmas which is going to be VERY DIFFICULT!!  I’ll have to do my best for the boys and make sure it’s at least a good day for them!

I still miss you like crazy my love….you are forever MINE! 831

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

What is the message here….

After a really bad day yesterday I tried to go to bed as normal and woke up hysterical crying.

See I don’t know if you remember the guilt I carry with me for the way my Mother passed but it still haunts me to this day.  I don’ know why but it still does.  I have had the same friggin horrible dream since her passing over 21 years ago and last night was the FIRST time EVER that she came to me in a dream other than my normal one!

In my normal dream I come home and my Mother isn’t home and ask where she is and my family gives me an address.  I go to the address and ring the door bell and get no answer.  Something tells me to look in the window and I see what looks like an image sitting on the couch watching t.v.  So I try the door and it’s unlocked.  I go in and find my Mother’s corpse propped up on the couch!

This is my normal!!  Last night however, you guys were tag teaming me in my dreams!!

It was the night before your death and the boys were sleeping next to you in bed.  When the boys went to school the next day I went up to see you and my Mother was at your door with this huge smile on her face.

That was the moment I woke up hysterical crying!  Now I don’t know what the smile means but I just wish she would say what she means after all these years!!  Why the big mystery all this time??  Maybe she was there when you crossed over?  Maybe she is a messenger of some sort for you?  Maybe you are angry at me like she is and you sent her to tell me so??  Hence my question, why not just TALK to tell me what it means and not have me driving myself crazy trying to figure out what the meaning is??

I am hoping that her smile is a good thing.  I hope it means that you are happy and in good hands.

Why can’t I type this stuff without tears?  I miss you SO MUCH, you just have no idea how much.

You know when I was in the midst of the dream and you were alive, I WAS SO HAPPY!  I really thought that you were alive and here with me and that it was all a nasty dream like I have wished for since February.  When I saw my Mother’s smile, I knew your death was real and the sadness flooded over me again and I woke up to my miserable reality.  The empty one that has this huge void that no other person on this planet could ever have shoes big enough to fill.

Yes I have the boys here to help but the sadness continues for me like I have NEVER felt before.  This experience is the hardest thing I have ever had to do EVER.  

I survived the death of my Father at 20, the death of my Mother at 22, quitting smoking in 1999, 100+ lb. weight loss in my early/mid 30’s, almost dying 3 times giving birth to Frik and Frak, diagnosed with PPD and Severe Depression, disconnection from the boys completely during my illness, traveling your journey through cancer and the recent death of my younger brother….and none of these has been as difficult as losing you in comparison!!

Never again will anyone ever know me the way you did.  Understand me the way you understood.  Cheer for me the way you did.  Encourage me the way your words used to.  I miss you SOOOOOOO MUCH, this is killing me inside!  I love you and wish I could have just one more moment with you so I can tell you how much I love you!  831!

Monday, November 28, 2011

Made it through Thanksgiving just barely!

Been a lil bit since I checked in.  Simply forgot actually.  Busy week last week with getting Christmas up and then Thanksgiving on Thursday which was EXTREMELY hard for me.  I have no idea how I made it through without a single tear!!  Then we went right into a busy weekend beginning with our annual Black Friday trip to see Santa!!

Got MOST of the basement done finally.  Mr. Vernon is working his frikkin ass off down there.  The metal man is taking all the stuff that is basically useless to everyone that you had piled down there for whatever reason…no one knows!  Mr. Vernon opened the door next to the hot water heater and low and behold…more JUNK!!  THANKS!!  I am SERIOUSLY tired of having to wake up at the crack ass of dawn on Monday morning to put all the trash out so that no one picks over it during the night and makes a huge mess that I have to clean up!!  I can not wait till it is DONE!!  We are going to get the last load out on Sunday and start organizing everything down there!  Mr.Vernon is taking your SnapOn tool box!  My gift to him for being so kind as to help me with this MAJOR project!!  BTW, he has taken a few other items but unfortunately the rest of the stuff went to the metal man!  The good thing is now I have the entire back of the basement to hide Christmas presents now!!  ROFL  EASY PEASY!!

I have to admit, I haven’t cried in a few days but that doesn’t mean I still don’t miss you like crazy!!  I did cry a bit at the Welfare Office today.  Seems they wanted me to get proof of your cancelled unemployment.  I told the woman “Ma’am they WILL NOT even talk to me let alone forward me any information on him.  The last time I tried to talk to them, the woman said ‘I can NOT speak to you’ and hung up on me”  The woman at Welfare was shocked and a little irritated at me but when I showed her your death certificate (that is when I cried) she hushed up and said I didn’t need proof of your unemployment.  Obviously if you are dead you AREN’T getting u/c benefits!  Took me to wait 3 1/2 hours just for them to take the information and tell me it could take another week or two to get benefits!  GGGRRR, can’t fight the fucking system huh!!  I really wish you were there to open your mouth and make heads roll, I could really use those food stamps!!  The 1 good thing is the boys STILL have health coverage…I can NOT afford $700.00 a month for their meds!

I have to go to Social Security on Friday to file for the boys to get your survivor benefits.  I have no idea how I am going to pay bills without those benefits!!  I can’t sell this place because it is in NO shape to be sold!!  Plus where am I going to go that is any cheaper than what I am paying now!!  I kinda liked being piss poor but now I am below piss!!

I am still trying to figure out how to get through this holiday without you.  It just doesn’t seem possible!!  I keep expecting you to walk in from work at 6 and be happily complaining about your day!  Or I look at the door and think you are flying in from snapping pictures of whatever and you say “I got some really good shots!”  When I had to go get the boys today because Michael was sick we walked in and I really expected you to be sitting on the couch asking them if they had good days!  Why is this so EASY for them and so HARD for me!??  I don’t know but I really would like to know!!

We had chicken cutlets (your favorite) tonight and CJ devoured it!!  Michael would have if his throat wasn’t a bit sore!  I put everything on the table, turned around to go get the juice and water and came back to the table and realized that there was no fried yellow squash there for you!  Then I remembered and was sad again!!  I almost cried all through dinner!!

Being decorated for Christmas is not helping me get through this at all!!  Somehow I GOTTA get through for Thing 1 and Thing 2!!!

I love you ALWAYS!!  831 my love!

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Tree is DONE!!

I told you I was going to get the tree done today and I did!!  Kinda looks like 4th of July in December (Christmas in July only in reverse!!  ROFL) .....

Cool huh?
It's what the boys and silver pine cones and American Flags!
They LOVE it!!

So my love, that is our tree!!

Cupcake Day at school!

After being in a serious funk last night I managed to take my advil and ambien and got to sleep all night however I still feel like I didn’t sleep through!  I am getting tired of not sleeping at night and feeling like DIRT the next day or sleeping all night and waking up and feeling like I NEVER slept!!  GGRRRR, when will it end!?

Anyway I got up and got the kids off as usual and I just got done baking 2 batches of cupcakes for school.  I did one batch vanilla with chocolate frosting and the other chocolate will have white frosting.  I was thinking of you smelling them and running up out of nowhere and saying “ooh, cupcakes!  I just have to taste them to make sure they are safe for the kids to eat!  It’s a dirty job but someone has to be brave enough to do it!”  ROFL  You used to crack me up!  Now who is going to taste them???  I need to know they are safe for the kids!  LOL

I am going to do the pine cones TODAY after I get done frosting the cupcakes.  It shouldn’t take me that long to do them.  Truth is I just didn’t feel like doing it yesterday.  I just had a really bad moment and was in a funk from that point on.  I think I tried to do too much too soon!  I missed you and got overwhelmed!  I was a blubbering mess after that!  My heart was shattering everywhere I looked.  Each elf reminded me of you, I found pics of your 50th birthday, the tree said “Pita”, and when I hung your stocking…that was it for me!!  A TEARY EYED BLUBBERING BABY MESS I was!!

I have to go frost those cupcakes before I forget and then I am taking a frosted batch and an unfrosted batch.  Those kids won’t be too happy if that happens!!  I will be back my love!!  831!!