Saturday, April 14, 2012

Dear Chuck

I wanted to write you and let you know that I know you are happy where you are because you aren't suffering any longer.  I did everything I could to ease your pain during your illness NOTHING SHORT of walking through fire for you and guess what I'd do it again if I had to over and over and over again as well.

I have to be honest here for a bit....I have been living with grief and guilt since long before November 9th.  The real you flew away from our life long before that and I have been grieving that man for a very long time.  I have been guilt ridden since because prior to your illness I was too busy complaining about MY NEEDS and not once thinking about yours.  My guilt came Feb 2011 when I heard those fateful words "His cancer is at stage 4!"  I had almost sent you packing because of an unknown illness.  I thank goodness I didn't because I wouldn't be able to live with myself had I left and you died alone!  I said "til death do us part!" and I meant it.  I loved you because you saved me from danger and when everyone else was walking out you stayed with me.  You even went to bat for me with my own family and defended me to the bitter end.

I have to be honest I am very tired of living with grief.  I want to be able to walk away from that freely knowing in my heart and my mind that I did everything I could to take care of you.  Not only for the boys but for you as well.  When you were hurt, I cried.  When you bled, I was the one that put a bandage on you.  When you fell, I picked you up.  I was your strength when you were weak, I was your voice when you couldn't speak, I was your eyes when you couldn't see, I was your faith in this life.  I walked through hell, kicked ass first and asked questions later for you!!  I fought every single moment for you!  However when you died, I was alone!  The finality of it was just too much to bear for me.  I had no idea how I would ever move on without hearing your voice ever again, without ever touching your skin ever again, without ever seeing your eyes ever one moment, I honestly wanted to die with you so I could be with you through your journey.  At least that way we could be together.  I had so much more to tell you and you weren't here to say it to.  I hated GOD, you, myself...I hated the world.  How dare it move forward without you in it!!  I desperately needed you back in my life.

I know why you had to leave us and I understand and I am not angry at you.  This was never something you chose and we all understand that.  GOD called you back home for a reason and when I get back there he better fill me in!!  I want to know!  He got some splainin to do!  That's the least he could do for all the crap he had me go through for my life!  And I finally felt safe with you and then he takes you away.  GGGRRRR!!!!  I was SO ANGRY at him I didn't think I would ever get past that.  When you were sick I admitted to Jim my deep anger toward GOD for doing to you what he was doing and he told me "no worries, GOD can handle your anger and he will love you through it!"  I never forgot that statement.  I thought about that every single day....I heard him say it to me over and over and over again.  I would hear him say it every time I walked in the bedroom and you would be just getting sicker and sicker and dying before my eyes!

I am not angry at GOD anymore...he needed you and he called you.  He sent you to be in your boys lives for a reason and I know the reason is to inspire them to do the best they can in this life to honor you!  When I feel the sun shining, I know you are smiling down on us.  When we see the big star, we shout 'THERE'S DADDY!"  We take comfort in knowing that you are always with us in spirit and you are still finding ways to protect us even in the after life!

I am not angry at GOD because he knew your time on this earth was done and your job was complete.  It was to be my husband and give me two special boys!  You fulfilled your destiny in this life and you did an amazing job!!!  I can't thank you enough for picking me out of all the girls to be with.  I can't thank you enough for giving me those boys.  My life is so much richer with them in it and they are in it because of you!!

I called and spoke to Jim today and he told me something today that I want to share with you.  He told me grief is killer!  I don't want to live with that anymore!!  There is too much happiness out there and I think I deserve a little piece of it!

I know I am rambling here but the reason I am writing you is because I don't want to live grief stricken with a dead husband any longer.  I want to live with your memory and know that no matter where I go in life, a small part of you is there looking out.  I want to look up at the sky and feel the sun shining and know that you are happy, safe and LOVED.  I want to see the stars and know that you are there twinkling out of love for us!  I have to leave you where you are now to fly free.  I need you to understand that I have to let go of grief, move forward with my life on my terms and look for the happiness that is out there for me.  It's going to be hard but with a little work and a lot of faith I think I can do it!!  All I ask is that you peek down and make sure I'm ok every now and again!  Keep an eye out for the boys when I can't see them and make sure they are ok.  BE THERE for all the important stuff like graduations and other life changing events for them!  Know that I will ALWAYS LOVE YOU and I miss you every single day of my life!  You were and always will be my Pita!!

I am not sad that it's over....I am thankful it happened!

R.I.P. Charles Julius Voegtle Jr you will always be our beloved husband and father