Monday, October 10, 2011


Today I just didn't want to get out of bed this morning.  I am so tired lately, I can hardly roll out of let alone get myself up out of bed but I got people who depend on me and I HAVE TO get up.  I got up and made Pita his breakfast and tea and got his meds and Ensure ready. 

I brought it to him and I walked in and said "morning" and he just grumbled at me.  I told him "Sorry but I am not leaving until you take your meds at least.  I gave you everything yesterday and left and when I came up later I found out that you never took your meds and that threw your schedule all off and I was up til after midnight waiting to give you your meds.  Not today, so take them and I will get out of your face!"   I turned the bedside light on and he started screaming at me "will you just let me get up on my own!"  I said "I am letting you get up on your own but you HAVE to take these meds before I leave!  Sorry Dude!"

Ok so maybe I wasn't in the best of moods because I really wanted to sleep late and couldn't.  I don't feel well and I just wasn't in the mood for his shit this morning....I tried to be nice but it wasn't successful.

Long story short, he took his meds FINALLY and I changed his sheet while he was in the bathroom and put towels down on the bed because he is now having BMs and not wiping.  I don't know if he can't, it hurts or he is simply forgetting.

I told the nurse everything when she visited and she checked on him and he seems like he has good spirits.  He told her about his cancer and asked her for a cure.  Sadly there is no cure because he is stage 4.  I think he is just so tired of being sick and he is having a hard time resolving the fact that he is no longer the person he used to be and this is his existance now yet at the same time he still wants to a cure and live his life the way it was pre-cancer!

I can't tell you how painful it is to see the person you love suffering the way my husband is.  His mental health is beginning to be a problem.  He asks me if I have to pick the boys up from school on the weekends.  We were sitting watching Star Wars on Sunday and he looked at me and said "this would make a great movie!"  His mind may be slipping away from the pain meds, the cancer or a sudden onset of dementia due to this demon.  Unfortunately I am starting to believe that the treatments are worse then the disease at this point.

He has pre-hospice home nursing care a few days a week and they monitor his health care and treatments.  They are the ones that communicate with the dr and they determine together if he is ready to transition to hospice or not.

We shall see what this afternoon brings.

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