Friday, October 28, 2011

Someone please wake me up NOW!!!!!

The hospice nurse came today at 4:45pm and she checked Pita and when we came back downstairs what she said next I just wasn't prepared for.  She said from what she is observing he could die any day now.  She said if he makes it to Thanksgiving it will be good but we shouldn't get our hopes up for him being with us for Christmas!  I wasn't ready for this.  I never thought my life would be like this that I would become a widow at the age of 44!!  I don't want him to leave my life, I am NOT ready for this at all!!  I don't want to tell my kids that Daddy died.  I don't want to tell myself that.  I don't want to tell the world that I am a widow!  I AM NOT READY GOD DAMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why can't I wake the hell up from this nightmare!????  When will this bad dream end?  I want to wake up in the morning and know it was all a very bad nightmare and everything is IN FACT ok.  He will come downstairs and lecture me and the boys as he is walking out the door to go to work on Saturday.  I will be upset that he has to work but I will know he is working hard to provide for the boys and I!!  I will call him and ask him to pick up milk on the way home and he will lecture me AGAIN that I should have thought about that when I was at the supermarket last!!  Then I will lecture back that the last time I was at the supermarket I DID remember the milk but you and your kids drank it all because the last time I was at the supermarket was a week ago!!  I will hang up and bitch him out from one end of the house to the other then it will be OVER!  He will come home and complain about what is for dinner or about how I cooked the vegetables!!  Our life would be normal again when I wake up!!!!  I want to wake up, someone please wake me up NOW!!!

My life is in danger of a MAJOR change that I don't want, my kids don't want, we shouldn't have to be forced to deal with!!

I want my Pita BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


1 comment:

  1. Oh Momma...I wish I could be there to put my arms around you and give you the biggest tightest hug ever!!!!! I am sooo very sorry you are having to deal with this!! NO ONE SHOULD HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS!!!!!!! CANCER SUCKS!!!!!!