Tuesday, November 29, 2011

What is the message here….

After a really bad day yesterday I tried to go to bed as normal and woke up hysterical crying.

See I don’t know if you remember the guilt I carry with me for the way my Mother passed but it still haunts me to this day.  I don’ know why but it still does.  I have had the same friggin horrible dream since her passing over 21 years ago and last night was the FIRST time EVER that she came to me in a dream other than my normal one!

In my normal dream I come home and my Mother isn’t home and ask where she is and my family gives me an address.  I go to the address and ring the door bell and get no answer.  Something tells me to look in the window and I see what looks like an image sitting on the couch watching t.v.  So I try the door and it’s unlocked.  I go in and find my Mother’s corpse propped up on the couch!

This is my normal!!  Last night however, you guys were tag teaming me in my dreams!!

It was the night before your death and the boys were sleeping next to you in bed.  When the boys went to school the next day I went up to see you and my Mother was at your door with this huge smile on her face.

That was the moment I woke up hysterical crying!  Now I don’t know what the smile means but I just wish she would say what she means after all these years!!  Why the big mystery all this time??  Maybe she was there when you crossed over?  Maybe she is a messenger of some sort for you?  Maybe you are angry at me like she is and you sent her to tell me so??  Hence my question, why not just TALK to tell me what it means and not have me driving myself crazy trying to figure out what the meaning is??

I am hoping that her smile is a good thing.  I hope it means that you are happy and in good hands.

Why can’t I type this stuff without tears?  I miss you SO MUCH, you just have no idea how much.

You know when I was in the midst of the dream and you were alive, I WAS SO HAPPY!  I really thought that you were alive and here with me and that it was all a nasty dream like I have wished for since February.  When I saw my Mother’s smile, I knew your death was real and the sadness flooded over me again and I woke up to my miserable reality.  The empty one that has this huge void that no other person on this planet could ever have shoes big enough to fill.

Yes I have the boys here to help but the sadness continues for me like I have NEVER felt before.  This experience is the hardest thing I have ever had to do EVER.  

I survived the death of my Father at 20, the death of my Mother at 22, quitting smoking in 1999, 100+ lb. weight loss in my early/mid 30’s, almost dying 3 times giving birth to Frik and Frak, diagnosed with PPD and Severe Depression, disconnection from the boys completely during my illness, traveling your journey through cancer and the recent death of my younger brother….and none of these has been as difficult as losing you in comparison!!

Never again will anyone ever know me the way you did.  Understand me the way you understood.  Cheer for me the way you did.  Encourage me the way your words used to.  I miss you SOOOOOOO MUCH, this is killing me inside!  I love you and wish I could have just one more moment with you so I can tell you how much I love you!  831!

Monday, November 28, 2011

Made it through Thanksgiving just barely!

Been a lil bit since I checked in.  Simply forgot actually.  Busy week last week with getting Christmas up and then Thanksgiving on Thursday which was EXTREMELY hard for me.  I have no idea how I made it through without a single tear!!  Then we went right into a busy weekend beginning with our annual Black Friday trip to see Santa!!

Got MOST of the basement done finally.  Mr. Vernon is working his frikkin ass off down there.  The metal man is taking all the stuff that is basically useless to everyone that you had piled down there for whatever reason…no one knows!  Mr. Vernon opened the door next to the hot water heater and low and behold…more JUNK!!  THANKS!!  I am SERIOUSLY tired of having to wake up at the crack ass of dawn on Monday morning to put all the trash out so that no one picks over it during the night and makes a huge mess that I have to clean up!!  I can not wait till it is DONE!!  We are going to get the last load out on Sunday and start organizing everything down there!  Mr.Vernon is taking your SnapOn tool box!  My gift to him for being so kind as to help me with this MAJOR project!!  BTW, he has taken a few other items but unfortunately the rest of the stuff went to the metal man!  The good thing is now I have the entire back of the basement to hide Christmas presents now!!  ROFL  EASY PEASY!!

I have to admit, I haven’t cried in a few days but that doesn’t mean I still don’t miss you like crazy!!  I did cry a bit at the Welfare Office today.  Seems they wanted me to get proof of your cancelled unemployment.  I told the woman “Ma’am they WILL NOT even talk to me let alone forward me any information on him.  The last time I tried to talk to them, the woman said ‘I can NOT speak to you’ and hung up on me”  The woman at Welfare was shocked and a little irritated at me but when I showed her your death certificate (that is when I cried) she hushed up and said I didn’t need proof of your unemployment.  Obviously if you are dead you AREN’T getting u/c benefits!  Took me to wait 3 1/2 hours just for them to take the information and tell me it could take another week or two to get benefits!  GGGRRR, can’t fight the fucking system huh!!  I really wish you were there to open your mouth and make heads roll, I could really use those food stamps!!  The 1 good thing is the boys STILL have health coverage…I can NOT afford $700.00 a month for their meds!

I have to go to Social Security on Friday to file for the boys to get your survivor benefits.  I have no idea how I am going to pay bills without those benefits!!  I can’t sell this place because it is in NO shape to be sold!!  Plus where am I going to go that is any cheaper than what I am paying now!!  I kinda liked being piss poor but now I am below piss!!

I am still trying to figure out how to get through this holiday without you.  It just doesn’t seem possible!!  I keep expecting you to walk in from work at 6 and be happily complaining about your day!  Or I look at the door and think you are flying in from snapping pictures of whatever and you say “I got some really good shots!”  When I had to go get the boys today because Michael was sick we walked in and I really expected you to be sitting on the couch asking them if they had good days!  Why is this so EASY for them and so HARD for me!??  I don’t know but I really would like to know!!

We had chicken cutlets (your favorite) tonight and CJ devoured it!!  Michael would have if his throat wasn’t a bit sore!  I put everything on the table, turned around to go get the juice and water and came back to the table and realized that there was no fried yellow squash there for you!  Then I remembered and was sad again!!  I almost cried all through dinner!!

Being decorated for Christmas is not helping me get through this at all!!  Somehow I GOTTA get through for Thing 1 and Thing 2!!!

I love you ALWAYS!!  831 my love!

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Tree is DONE!!

I told you I was going to get the tree done today and I did!!  Kinda looks like 4th of July in December (Christmas in July only in reverse!!  ROFL) .....

Cool huh?
It's what the boys wanted...gold and silver pine cones and American Flags!
They LOVE it!!

So my love, that is our tree!!

Cupcake Day at school!

After being in a serious funk last night I managed to take my advil and ambien and got to sleep all night however I still feel like I didn’t sleep through!  I am getting tired of not sleeping at night and feeling like DIRT the next day or sleeping all night and waking up and feeling like I NEVER slept!!  GGRRRR, when will it end!?

Anyway I got up and got the kids off as usual and I just got done baking 2 batches of cupcakes for school.  I did one batch vanilla with chocolate frosting and the other chocolate will have white frosting.  I was thinking of you smelling them and running up out of nowhere and saying “ooh, cupcakes!  I just have to taste them to make sure they are safe for the kids to eat!  It’s a dirty job but someone has to be brave enough to do it!”  ROFL  You used to crack me up!  Now who is going to taste them???  I need to know they are safe for the kids!  LOL

I am going to do the pine cones TODAY after I get done frosting the cupcakes.  It shouldn’t take me that long to do them.  Truth is I just didn’t feel like doing it yesterday.  I just had a really bad moment and was in a funk from that point on.  I think I tried to do too much too soon!  I missed you and got overwhelmed!  I was a blubbering mess after that!  My heart was shattering everywhere I looked.  Each elf reminded me of you, I found pics of your 50th birthday, the tree said “Pita”, and when I hung your stocking…that was it for me!!  A TEARY EYED BLUBBERING BABY MESS I was!!

I have to go frost those cupcakes before I forget and then I am taking a frosted batch and an unfrosted batch.  Those kids won’t be too happy if that happens!!  I will be back my love!!  831!!

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Christmas in Outer Space

Been a few days since I last wrote to you and I had a minute before I have to run out again so here it is…..

I am just about done with the front window.  I just have to put the stars in and another cloud or two then Christmas in Outer Space is complete!  The tree is up with the lights on it and 1 decoration LOL! I have to glitter the pine cones and hang them with the flags and bows for the boys!  They wanted to do the tree this year in gold and silver pine cones and American Flags!  I have no idea how that is going to look but it sounds interesting!  Just think of it as 4th of July in December!  Same as Christmas in July only reverse!!  ROFL

Most of the Christmas decorations are up around the house.  The Elves are here, in place and ready to report back to Santa!  The boys and your stockings are up.  I found the plush Santa’s you got the boys 2 years ago … you know the ones when you squeeze the right hand it says “Remember, the magic of Christmas lies in your heart!”

I wish you were here to see all the decorations that are up.  Everything looks so nice but it is very depressing at the same time.  I just want you back so badly and I know you will never return to me that it is killing me inside.  My heart is broken that you are gone and I miss you like CRAZY!!!  I would give ANYTHING to have you with me and the boys this Christmas.  I may not make it through this holiday season without a TOTAL MELTDOWN!!  I think out of ALL the Christmas’s in my entire life, this is going to be the single hardest one for me!!  Thank goodness for the boys to keep my focus where it needs to be…on them!!

I love and miss you DEARLY!!  831 Babe!

Sunday, November 20, 2011

It only took me 2 months ++ to have just 1 day tear free!

Yesterday was your funeral and it was a very emotional day for me.  Today I put Christmas decorations up.  How a person has her husband's funeral one day and puts up Christmas decoratoins the very next day DO NOT ASK!!  I still have no idea how I did it.  Yesterday was just too emotional for me and I really thought my plan of doing Christmas would be flown out the window but NOPE, it got done!"

I got up at 9ish and got my cup of coffee and started immediately.  As I was decorating I got a text from TK telling me that Buriak's wife Rubi passed away.  You remember Buriak right?  He was one of the old heads like me!!  This should be "IT" as far as death is concerned for me.  You know what I always say those kinds of things come in threes.  The first one was my brother Domenick about a month ago, then came you 11 days ago and now Rubi Buriak.  He was my BFF at the CCD.  Remember we used to get in trouble when we called each other BOOAX and VOGATELLI!  If I'm not mistaken they were going to write me up for not addressing him by his PROPER name in front of the supervisors one time!  I remember coming home and telling you about it and then you gave me a lecture about how important it is to follow the rules!!  Yeah, yeah, yeah!  Then we made MAD CRAZY LOVE that night and fell asleep!!  Yeah I would give ANYHTING I could at all to have one more MAD CRAZY LOVE Chuck Moment with you.

What am I to do when I am SO HORNY FOR YOU and yet you are gone??  Do I go try to find a secret "play thing" and feel like I am dishonoring your love and memory?  Do I just throw caution to the wind and put myself back on the market?  I don't know and I am seriously confused!

Anyway, I started decorating the tree before I even finished my first cup of java!  I knew that if I had sat and drank the damn thing that would have been an opportunity to NOT do it.  I promised the boys and I needed to start right then and there.  So I began and I took all the Halloween/Fall/Thanksgiving down and immediately put Christmas up!  Soon as the boys saw it they dubbed it Christmas in Outer Space.  I still have to add the clouds (snow blankets) at the bottom of the window, put some snow flakes and silver glows up then it is DONE!!

So after that was done...Mr Vernon came down for a favor and I needed to get the tree down so he helped me get it out of the hall closet and downstairs.  How angry would you be if I told you it only took me less than an hour to put the tree up and lights on??  Oh well, it is what it is.  I know you were the PERFECTIONIST and I just want it done NOW!!  BBUUUUUUUTTTT, mine looks as good as yours!!  neener neener neener!  The tree isn't done yet, I have to glitter the pine cones and Peggy is going to make bows and I think I am going to add red, white and blue balls along with the American Flags the boys want on there.  I can't wait until it's done so I can post the pic and show you.

I did the banister down the steps and put the Santa Face Advent calendar up.  Again I am still not done just yet.  Once everything is done I will post pics here for you to see.

Today was the first day I didn't cry in over 2 months.  Night is still not over just yet and I may be a blubbering mess when I lay down in a few minutes!

I am NOT looking forward to Christmas this year without you.  I have to TRY and put a game face on for that morning and NOT cry in front of them!  But first I have to get through Thanksgiving.  I feel like the ONLY thing I have to be thankful for is the boys.  You are gone and I am still COMPLETELY sad about it!!  I still miss you TERRIBLY and I would give ANYTHING to have you with me for just that day.  I can't be thankful for your absense in my life.  I am left with a HUGE VOID that can NEVER be refilled by anyone!  If anyone ever tried, they would have a very large pair of shoes to fill!

When I think of how much I miss you, something physical happens to me.  I get a deep feeling that a force is pulling me down to the ground...almost like I can not move.  I know it is depression and I am tired of it.  I am exhausted all day, everyday!!

As soon as Weight Watchers runs a new "join for free" special, I am SO THERE!!  You know me and my Weight Watchers.  I am looking forward to getting back there and healing the damage that was self inflicted during this whole thing!!  If I had to do it over again, I would do it a hundred times just for you!!  I did the best I could and I think I did a damn good job for you.  You have been gone for 11 days now and you are STILL the love of my life.  Yeah there were times we wanted to kill each other but we had a foundation in our relationship that couldn't be knocked down.  We truly loved each other enough to want each other dead one moment and be OVER IT the next moment!  I still love you heart and soul.  831 Babe!

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Getting ready

Yeah I know I got up WWWAAAAAYYYY too early but I just couldn't sleep any longer knowing what today was!

I took my shower, got dressed (yes I have deodorant on...LOL,) and I got the 2 coffee pots ready so far.  Remember the BIG 30 cup sucker you bought me about 10 years ago....well I am ANGRY because today is the first time I have had to use it!!  Why couldn't we break this sucker in before today?

So here I sit with Mimi and Shellby just enjoying the sweet sound of silence UNTIL the boys wake up.  Then the house will be a bit more normal.  I told the boys that if they DO NOT want to sit through the service because it is too much for them then they can go upstairs BUT they must respect the services for Daddy and Uncle Jim who is helping us pray for you and play quietly in their playroom.  I hope you don't mind but I think that is better then forcing them through a service that could give them the heebie jeebies!  Maybe I am right, maybe I am wrong....but I feel it's the best option to give the boys.  The Childrens Bereavement Counselor said that was a great option to give to the boys and NOT force them to do something that could set a very bad tone for them for their day.

So my final thing I want to say before today is ..... could you please send ME your strength for today?  I really need you today.  Send me a secret sign that you are here please.  Could you keep watching over the boys today and make sure they are ok today also.

I will be back later to let you know how I did....I love and miss you!!  831

Friday, November 18, 2011

I need YOU to help ME get through your funeral!

So here it is, the night before your funeral and I am not feeling my best, trust me.  Why can't you be here to help me get through this?  Why have I had people in and out of the house everyday since your death yet I feel like the loneliest person on the planet???  I miss you so much it is not even an emotional hurt but a physical pain that I feel everywhere in my body and my soul.  My world will NEVER be the same again without you in my life.  I WAS NOT ready to say goodbye to you and tomorrow is going to be the hardest thing I have EVER had to do.

I have to be honest here for a second...my first experience with death was my Dad and I was 20 and believe me when I say it HURT like hell.  Then less then 2 years later my Dear Mom left this world forever and my world was completely CRUSHED!!!!  But THIS, this is the SINGLE hardest and most painful thing I have experienced in ALL my 44+ years!!  My entire life is SHATTERED!

You know how I feel about promises....people say 'promises were meant to be broken' but YOU KNOW "not in my world!!"  When someone promises something, they should ALWAYS honor their words!!  You PROMISED you would NEVER leave me and I can't get it out of my mind.  I can't stop thinking about you.  I can't imagine another day without you!  I get up every single day and I have to remember that you are no longer here.  Then I remember that I will NEVER touch your skin, hear your voice or look into your eyes again and it HURTS me physically!!  I NEED YOU BACK SO DESPERATELY RIGHT NOW I ACHE EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!!!!!!

I miss you so very much, please send your strength for me tomorrow....I am gonna need it!!  I love and miss you!

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Been 7 days....

I still can't believe you have been gone for 7 days now.  I keep thinking that it's been 7 days since I last saw your face, felt your skin, touched your head, spent time with you, said I loved you, kissed you...said goodbye!

Len called today and told me that your ashes were ready and he would bring them over tomorrow morning.  That's going to be a tough one but at least you will be home with me and the boys!  He told me that he split your ashes between the three boxes I gave him and he had a considerable amount left over and I told him to give them to me in a box and I would disburse them as I saw fit.  It's something I feel I have to do.  Then again, I may decide to keep them for myself...still not sure!  Hey I just had a thought, maybe I will find a way to get to the New Hope Lambertville Bridge and scatter some of your ashes there since that was where we stood and had our first kiss.  I remember that night and it will always remain in my heart as one of our best memories together!  I love and miss you!

Let me get going for now my love, the dryer just buzzed and I have to finish cleaning up and get dressed and go talk to Clair around the corner about food for Saturday.  Love ya!!

Monday, November 14, 2011

5 days since I last saw you.

Everyone says it gets easier with time….well it’s been 5 days and it’s harder now then it was the day you flew away.  Every song I hear reminds me of you in some strange way.  Looking up at the sky brings tears to my eyes because I keep hoping for a glimpse of your face peeking down at me through the night sky.  Sunshine makes me weep for you.  I can’t even vacuum or put out the trash without bursting out in a blubbering teary eyed mess!!

My days and nights are empty now that you are gone.  I can’t believe it’s only been 5 days but it feels like an eternity since I last saw you, touched you, heard your voice or looked into your eyes.  You are so far away from me and yet I can feel your presence at the same time.

So let me tell you how I am feeling right now at this very moment.  I feel like I should have made different decisions for you.  I feel like I did this to you.  If I didn’t stop the chemo and put you on hospice, you’d still be here with me, call me selfish!!  I feel like I gave up on you before you were ready to call it quits.  I feel like you are gone because of me.  

When does this guilt and sadness end?  When do you come to me and tell me that you aren’t angry, that you are proud of me for doing what I did and that you still love me??  I know I did the best I knew how for you but that is not helping because you are gone.  I never got a chance to explain why I did what I did.  I understand the reason why you left but I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to you.  I never wanted this for you.  I didn’t want you to hurt anymore.  EVERYTHING I did, I did out of sheer love for you and I hope that if it were me, you’d do the VERY SAME thing!  I am BEGGING you to send me a sign that you are ok, happy and not angry with me.

I had to let you go because I didn’t have a choice in the matter.  Same with the so called “strength!”  Not really too many options for me in the “strength" department!!  I HAVE TO DO IT for the boys.

I still pray every night that I wake up and the past 9 months was just a terrifying dream for me!  I know they say “time heals all wounds,” I am waiting for time just to help me get to the next minute.  For now I take comfort in knowing I am the sole owner of your best work ever…the boys!  Thank you for giving them to me for without them, I’d be there with you now.

I Love You Pita, Rest Peacefully My Love!

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Cop’in a feel!!

I was sitting here on the couch talking on the phone to my sil Peggy and the boys were about 2 feet away from me playing on their electronics.  All of a sudden something (or should I say SOMEONE) touched the side of my right boob!!  Yes I think he needed to cop a feel!!  I looked up and said “Um you should have done that last night.  You know the kids are here so stop it now!!  Later my love, later!!”

Even in death you are one horny devil!!  Maybe you will come to me in my dreams and make one of the wild ones come true!!  ::::wink, wink::::

The boys are bathed and ready for bed.  They are grabbing a bit of tv time watching Curious George and then it’s off to bed.  They are going back to school in the morning and Michael’s teacher, Ms. Campisi, said she would have an extra eye on the boys over the next few weeks.  The whole staff is really good over there and I am sure they will be ok tomorrow for their first day back.

They really have been AMAZING during this whole thing.  They are actually happy that you aren’t suffering anymore.  They are very sad that you are no longer here but comforted at the same time that you are peaceful and happy in Heaven!  When we went to Target tonight they were looking up at the sky for you and it was a very cloudy night so they were a bit disappointed that they couldn’t see you (twinkling star) looking down at them.  They said “Maybe Daddy is camouflaged right now!”  They cracked me up!!

Anyway today was a better day for me all in all.  I didn’t cry as much today as I have since Wednesday.  I hope for sweet dreams tonight and you BETTER be there and ready my love!!  G’nite Pita, I LOVE YOU!

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Thank You note....

Dear friends, I wanted to stop in tonight to thank each and every one of you for your kindness, support and love through this entire ordeal.

I not only lost my husband a.k.a. Pita, I lost my very best friend!!  He truly understood me better then anyone ever has before.  I would give anything to hear his "I love you" whisper just one more time.  The last time he said it to me was Saturday 11/5/11.  The last time we kissed was 11/7/11.  I will FOREVER keep those bittersweet memories with me as I travel this road alone with my kids.  My husband was a true artist and did some very fine works of art but he left me his best work yet....his kids!!  I cherish the love we shared together for 15 years.

My boys have been simply amazing through all of this.  They are actually happy and at peace within their own hearts that Daddy is in NO MORE PAIN and he is now cancer free.  My son CJ told me "Mommy, the angels HAD to come and get Daddy's soul because they KNEW the cancer would soon invade his soul!"  Michael told me "Mommy, Daddy traveled 16 miles to get to Heaven and he is happy now!"

Since his passing on Wednesday 11/9/11 at 8:20am I have seen the brightest stars in the sky hanging with the moon.  See my husband told me once that he applied for a job at NASA when he was 10 (yes hysterical I know) and he ALWAYS wanted to be in space with the astronauts and now FINALLY he is flying free.

I wanted to share this with you.  My husband put up one hell of a fight with this demon.  The night before he passed he was very bad and gasping for breath and his boys felt the need to go to him and tell him "Daddy, if you want to go home, it's ok because we understand why and we are going to be fine!"  I know darn good and well he didn't want to go that night because he knew how chaotic it would have been for the boys and I.  Instead he chose the next morning AFTER the boys were on the school bus on their way to school.  He KNEW I needed to get them in school to die so I could go spend some time with him while at peace and have enough time to get the arrangements made without upsetting the boys any further then they were.  He ALWAYS had a way of knowing what was best for his family.

So he remains in my heart, my life, my mind, my SOUL until my last breath and then we can be together again.

Again, a heartfelt thank you to EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU for everything along this journey.  I love all of you.

If anyone would like to view his obituary, please feel free to do so at http://www.terranovafuneralhome.com/.

R.I.P. Charles Julius Voegtle Jr 10/9/51 to 11/9/11, you are FOREVER our husband and BFF, father, son, brother, nephew, cousin and friend!

Friday, November 11, 2011

I so need your opinion.

Today I worked on the urns that we will use for your remains and will be given to the boys when the time is right.  I really needed to hear your opinion on how they came out.  You always had an artist view for EVERYTHING and I needed so desperately to hear that you liked them and that you wouldn’t mind spending eternity in them.  Oh well, I can only hope you like them, the boys and I love them!

You’d be proud of me for making the urns myself….I managed to save about $1,800.00 on them doing them myself.  If I was to buy factory made ones from the undertaker and frankly they were the uglies things, so ugly I wouldn’t collect flies in them!!  The ones I am making are made from wood, quite unique so you can be assured that there are no others like this.  They are one of a kind…just like you were.  I miss you!!!!!

So the boys are sitting down on the floor watching Wild Kratts and I am sipping my wine, on your computer typing my heart out to you while listening to music.  Some of my online friends may open chat soon so I may slip in there to spend some time with my sisters!!

I have so many questions for you and I would give ANYTHING to hear your voice just once more.  I remember the last “I love you” you whispered to me (Saturday 11/5/11).  I remember the last 4 kisses you gave me (Monday 11/7/11).  Those are the bittersweet memories I will take with me always.  I want you back in my life again so desperately.  I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to you.  I feel like you lied to me because you promised you would NEVER leave me alone and here I am alone as I am ever going to be.  You promised I would only cry happy tears.  Now look at me….I am alone with my sad tears!  THANKS!!

I had so much to tell you and never got the chance to tell you everything I needed to say.  Why did you leave me?  Why didn’t you listen to me?  Why do I have to do this by myself?  What will happen to the boys now?  Am I going to be able to raise them myself without you?  

We know you had to go away but we weren’t ready for you to fly away.  You are so far away from me and I can never touch you again, never hear your voice, never feel your breath on me again!  I want to make love to you so desperately to feel your closeness once more.  I just need one more time………….

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Star light...

When we were going to Peggy’s house last night there was the brightest star in the sky hanging out next to the moon.  I know you always wanted to go see the moon "Mr. I applied to NASA at 10 years old!!”  LOL you cracked me up!  I told the boys the star was you and all they wanted to know was “is Daddy following us?”  I told them “yes!” and they smiled. <3<3<3   xoxo

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

R.I.P. Pita

I am sad to say that my beloved Pita lost his battle with the demon this morning at 8:20.  He went home in the arms of the angels peacefully looking up at the sky!  He is in no more pain, there is no more suffering and he is resting comfortably in GOD'S kingdom!  He can breath freely and be with his loved ones that welcomed him in Heaven.

I will update further and I will also use this blog to leave messages for Pita.  Please feel free to continue to follow my blog if you like.

Thank you so much everyone for following me through this journey and loving and supporting me every step of the way.

R.I.P. Charles J. Voegtle Jr MY BELOVED Pita, you are FOREVER MY LOVE!!

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Another visit

My sil Peggy called and said that she was with Pita and he didn’t look good at all.  That he had no idea she was there.  His BF from down the street came over while I was on the phone with her and we decided to go see him with the boys.  When we got there another friend of his from his job was visiting with him as well which I am sure he enjoyed.

I noticed his breathing was much more labored during my second visit and when I brought it to the nurses attention, she gave him some morphine and his breathing seemed to calm a bit more before I left for the night.

I have an appointment in the morning to go before I go see him tomorrow.  I can’t wait to see him again to tell him how much I love him!!  I am hoping to have a better night sleep tonight then I did last night in spite of my throbbing headache!!  Gonna try and check in tomorrow during the day and update you.

Saw Pita today

and he still can’t talk or swallow.  He continues his swift decline.  He is now having a difficult time breathing.  It’s very shallow and labored and you can see he is giving it all his effort to take each breath!  Even with the conditions he is in, it was so good to see him today.  I didn’t want to leave him but I know I had to get the boys home and take care of them!  Love my boogers!!

I had the hardest time getting to sleep last night.  It took me 4 hours to calm down enough to finally pass out from exhaustion.  My heart was beating a mile a minute and I couldn’t calm myself down to relax enough to go to sleep.  I would doze out in short spurts like 10 or 15 minutes then I would be awake for 20 to 40 minutes crying my eyes out again.  Not sure how much longer I can go on line this because I am just tired all the time with little to no energy but still I trudge through for the boys.  I sit down and want to fall asleep but can’t because I am walking on eggshells in my own house worrying that the phone will ring and it will be over and I go into panic mode with my thoughts.  Then I end up crying and the cycle starts all over again!  I am getting very forgetful and not remembering appointments, events or even some bills now!  I know it will pass with time but not having the bills paid (if any) puts me in even more panic mode!!  WHICH SUCKS!!  Why can’t this just be a bad dream?  Why can’t this be over?  Why is this happening to my Pita, the boys and I???  So many questions and I am forever left with no answers.

Every time I am up there and it’s time to leave there is this overwhelming feeling that this is the last time I will see his face, look into his eyes, touch his skin or hold his hand.  Then there is that secret little part of me that WANTS it so desperately to be the last time so he is eternally peaceful!  I absolutely hate cancer and what it has done to my Pita.  He is MINE and how dare this demon take another person I dearly love!!!

The boys and music are keeping me going through all of this.  I always say “If I am the rock, then they are my mountain!!”  The music is just the calm before, during and after the storm!  I wonder what the weather is going to be like tomorrow??

Monday, November 7, 2011

About 2 weeks….

is what the dr told me today.  Pita is declining so rapidly that she couldn’t give me a time frame but said she would be surprised if he made it 2 weeks.

I saw him on Saturday and he looked visibly declined but still ok.  Today I saw him and he is in an adult diaper with a condom cath on, he can’t talk or swallow and if the try to give him water to drink orally he just aspirates it.  They can’t give him IV fluids because it will collect in his extremities and will swell his body which will make things worse for him.

The dr.'s have been trying different medicine doses to keep him pain free and avoid the agitation that he has and they think they found the proper dosage for his medication needs.

I can’t believe I am going to have to say goodbye to my Pita in about 2 weeks.  I pray that he wakes up tomorrow and he is cured and he raises holy hell to get out of there and come home and lecture me for putting him in the hospital!  I don’t want to say goodbye to him.  I love him and I want him in my life as my husband and father of our boys!

For better, for worse
Til death do us part
I love you with every beat of my heart

Friday, November 4, 2011

Respite/Hospice Care

I missed the boys Halloween and I was very upset about it and knowing that Pita CAN NOT be left alone for a split second, I had to make arrangements for his safety for this weekend so I could take the boys to Sesame Place for their Spooktacular as part of the Variety Club For Children With Autism.  I spoke to the social worker and we were able to get him to the hospice facility as a Respite patient for 5 days.

After having the freedom to take the boys to Cub Scouts last night I quickly realized how much of a prisoner the boys and I am in the house if Pita stays here with me.  I was able to sleep without fear that he would attempt to come down the steps and possibly fall!  If he stays home, I can’t go to dr appts for the boys or myself, school for emergencies or report cards and such, take the boys to the park or even go food shopping for the guys.  I am TRAPPED in the house at all times even though I can not provide the 24 hour round the clock care that he so desperately needs.  

After mulling over it for a few days now, I finally decided last night that now that he is in the hospice facility I would talk with them about possibly leaving him there for his own safety.  I am not trying to dessert him and I don’t want to have him feel like I am doing it TO him but rather FOR him!!  He doesn’t understand where he is or why he is even there and is quite aggitated at everyone.  It’s because the cancer is in his brain and he is really confused which I totally understand that part.  I think if I was quite confused about my whereabouts I would be angry and hostile at times too.

So the dr.’s are going to observe him over the weekend and adjust meds if they have to to keep him as comfy as possible and they may end up keeping him there on a permanent basis.  Maybe not at THAT facility but another hospice care center that is more suitable for his needs.  I can go back to being wife, the kids can go back to bring the boys and life at home will be a bit more normal for my kids which is more important right now.  Pita will be WELL TAKEN CARE OF.  I have to concentrate my efforts on the boys and what’s best for them.  This move is best for EVERYONE involved!

So I am sending a message to Mr. Guilt.  I understand you like to come into my life and cloud my thinking and mess with my emotions over this entire thing.  I think you are related to cancer in some way.  It’s ok because I will conquer you the same as my son CJ will your cancer friend if it’s the LAST thing I ever do.  You will not make me feel guilty about me doing what’s best for my precious boys.  You and cancer can both go to hell as far as I am concerned!!  You got me with my Mom but you WILL not consume me with my kids!!  BUZZ OFF!!!

Note to Pita, I love you so very much and I only want what’s best for you.  I can’t devote 24 hours each day to care for you because I HAVE TO think of our boys.  For your safety and the boys and my best interest, I put you in place that is more suitable for your needs.  Please do not be angry with me and try to understand why this decision was made.  I didn’t do it TO you, I did it FOR you!  THE BOYS AND I ARE ALWAYS HERE FOR YOU!!!  Just because you aren’t at home doesn’t mean you will NEVER see us again.  We’re coming to see you as much as we can.  We would NEVER and WILL NEVER forget you!!!  You are our Husband, Daddy, Son, Brother, Uncle, Cousin, Our Lovey always and forever!!  LOVE YOU Pita!!  MUAH!!

Wednesday, November 2, 2011


Today was actually a quiet day for Pita except for when he decided to come downstairs naked.  Thank goodness I was home to hear him shuffling down the steps and that NO ONE else was here to see him in all his glory!!  lol  He came downstairs for 2 whole minutes and attempted to rush back up the steps to bed!  I can’t leave him alone for a SECOND because what if he decides to try to come down the steps again, loses his balance and falls!!???  I would NEVER forgive myself if I wasn’t here!

I have been thinking about putting Pita in the hospice facility but since he hasn’t signed the DNR, he can’t go there.  So he stays with me and unfortunately I have to wait till he is no longer able to make decisions for himself and then I will have to sign the DNR.  Then and ONLY then can they admit him to the hospice facility and I can have at least a little bit of a break.  My boys wouldn’t see him everyday but they don’t really see him everyday now.  Of course before I can do this I have to get past my own personal demon….Mr. GUILT!!!  Every time I think about putting him in there, I get this overwhelming feeling of me letting him down or deserting him.  I just can’t do that to him but at the same time, I don’t think I could handle it if I found him gone, if he was dying in front of me or the boys or if something else serious happened to him.  I can’t figure out why I am having such a hard time with this.  I know it would be a better choice for him and he would have round the clock care which is something I JUST CAN’T give him.  I just have to say goodbye to Mr. Guilt first!!!  How is the question!  I need to find a way to close the door on Mr. Guilt and open the FREEDOM door!  Freedom from guilt, freedom from watching him and not being able to do a thing about it, freedom for the boys!  Yes the good outweigh’s the bad here so I am giving this serious consideration for when the time comes.

Tomorrow is Cub Scouts with the boys and I am going to have to stay home with Pita while my sil Peggy takes them there.  I feel like I am deserting the boys in order to care for Pita.  I know it’s not his fault but feeling like I am letting the boys down is WORSE then anything I could ever imagine.  Everything I do whether it be for them, Pita or his family, my family or anyone else is ALWAYS done with their best interest in mind first!!!  Every decision I make is for their safety, health and wellbeing!!  I have to because it comforts me to know that my kids are smiling, happy, healthy and SAFE everyday!!  I love my boys more then I love ANYONE or ANYTHING on this planet!!!  I would be lost without my skootches!!  On Sept 3rd, 2004 I dedicated my entire existence to them and I am BOUND & DETERMINED to continue on my journey with them!!  Love my boys  <3<3<3

So Pita is peacefully sleeping for the night.  I hope he stays there because I am not so good at hearing things go bump in the night like I used to be!!

Sleep well my love, see ya in the morning!!  MUAH!

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Extremely Emotional Day Yesterday

Sunday night I couldn’t go to sleep because I had this overwhelming feeling that I wouldn’t see Pita again.  I called the nurse in a panic and she called me back and talked with me and calmed me down enough to get me to go to sleep.  I was back up at 4:45 in the morning and again, I was an emotional WRECK!!!  It took me an hour to muster up the bravery to go check on him and he was REALLY BAD!!  I swear it looked like he was getting ready to take his last breath.  I told him that he didn’t have to worry about the boys and I because I was going to be sure and take care of us always.  He could count on that.  I also told him that if he wanted to go home, he could without worry because he would ALWAYS be my husband and the boys Dad!!  We would always hold him in our lives and hearts forever.  I also told him it wasn’t necessary for him to drag himself through this suffering if he wanted to go home with the angels.  He started getting a little teary eyed and I covered him up and whispered I loved him DEARLY and left him sleeping.

6:30am I went and got the boys up and ready for and out for school.  I took a shower and ran out to get Halloween candy and when I walked in the house it happened again.  Another overwhelming rush of emotions came over me because I had a feeling he had died while I was gone!  I started feeling guilty because I wasn’t here for him and I couldn’t stop crying!!  I called the nurse and she calmed me down again.  She rushed over and checked on him and he was ok.  So since her visit I have been questioning my ability to care for him in the proper way.  My mother was so graceful in taking care of my Dad till his last breath and I don’t know if I could ever fill her shoes.  I have spent months second guessing my every attempt to take good care of him and now I am stuck in self doubt!!

I think this entire roller coaster I am on is due to the fact that my younger brother’s death is now sinking in!!

Then I couldn’t go trick-or-treating with the boys and I was SO ANGRY about it.  This is the first holiday EVER since their birth that I missed it!!  I felt like a weekend Mother for the first time in their lives and it didn’t feel good!!!  I cried for about an hour and missed the HELL OUT OF MY GUYS!!!  Missing their halloween absolutely broke my heart!!  I will NEVER EVER EVER miss another holiday no matter how big or small!!

Today is a better day for me emotionally.  Pita is having a peacefully quiet day.