Sunday, November 20, 2011

It only took me 2 months ++ to have just 1 day tear free!

Yesterday was your funeral and it was a very emotional day for me.  Today I put Christmas decorations up.  How a person has her husband's funeral one day and puts up Christmas decoratoins the very next day DO NOT ASK!!  I still have no idea how I did it.  Yesterday was just too emotional for me and I really thought my plan of doing Christmas would be flown out the window but NOPE, it got done!"

I got up at 9ish and got my cup of coffee and started immediately.  As I was decorating I got a text from TK telling me that Buriak's wife Rubi passed away.  You remember Buriak right?  He was one of the old heads like me!!  This should be "IT" as far as death is concerned for me.  You know what I always say those kinds of things come in threes.  The first one was my brother Domenick about a month ago, then came you 11 days ago and now Rubi Buriak.  He was my BFF at the CCD.  Remember we used to get in trouble when we called each other BOOAX and VOGATELLI!  If I'm not mistaken they were going to write me up for not addressing him by his PROPER name in front of the supervisors one time!  I remember coming home and telling you about it and then you gave me a lecture about how important it is to follow the rules!!  Yeah, yeah, yeah!  Then we made MAD CRAZY LOVE that night and fell asleep!!  Yeah I would give ANYHTING I could at all to have one more MAD CRAZY LOVE Chuck Moment with you.

What am I to do when I am SO HORNY FOR YOU and yet you are gone??  Do I go try to find a secret "play thing" and feel like I am dishonoring your love and memory?  Do I just throw caution to the wind and put myself back on the market?  I don't know and I am seriously confused!

Anyway, I started decorating the tree before I even finished my first cup of java!  I knew that if I had sat and drank the damn thing that would have been an opportunity to NOT do it.  I promised the boys and I needed to start right then and there.  So I began and I took all the Halloween/Fall/Thanksgiving down and immediately put Christmas up!  Soon as the boys saw it they dubbed it Christmas in Outer Space.  I still have to add the clouds (snow blankets) at the bottom of the window, put some snow flakes and silver glows up then it is DONE!!

So after that was done...Mr Vernon came down for a favor and I needed to get the tree down so he helped me get it out of the hall closet and downstairs.  How angry would you be if I told you it only took me less than an hour to put the tree up and lights on??  Oh well, it is what it is.  I know you were the PERFECTIONIST and I just want it done NOW!!  BBUUUUUUUTTTT, mine looks as good as yours!!  neener neener neener!  The tree isn't done yet, I have to glitter the pine cones and Peggy is going to make bows and I think I am going to add red, white and blue balls along with the American Flags the boys want on there.  I can't wait until it's done so I can post the pic and show you.

I did the banister down the steps and put the Santa Face Advent calendar up.  Again I am still not done just yet.  Once everything is done I will post pics here for you to see.

Today was the first day I didn't cry in over 2 months.  Night is still not over just yet and I may be a blubbering mess when I lay down in a few minutes!

I am NOT looking forward to Christmas this year without you.  I have to TRY and put a game face on for that morning and NOT cry in front of them!  But first I have to get through Thanksgiving.  I feel like the ONLY thing I have to be thankful for is the boys.  You are gone and I am still COMPLETELY sad about it!!  I still miss you TERRIBLY and I would give ANYTHING to have you with me for just that day.  I can't be thankful for your absense in my life.  I am left with a HUGE VOID that can NEVER be refilled by anyone!  If anyone ever tried, they would have a very large pair of shoes to fill!

When I think of how much I miss you, something physical happens to me.  I get a deep feeling that a force is pulling me down to the ground...almost like I can not move.  I know it is depression and I am tired of it.  I am exhausted all day, everyday!!

As soon as Weight Watchers runs a new "join for free" special, I am SO THERE!!  You know me and my Weight Watchers.  I am looking forward to getting back there and healing the damage that was self inflicted during this whole thing!!  If I had to do it over again, I would do it a hundred times just for you!!  I did the best I could and I think I did a damn good job for you.  You have been gone for 11 days now and you are STILL the love of my life.  Yeah there were times we wanted to kill each other but we had a foundation in our relationship that couldn't be knocked down.  We truly loved each other enough to want each other dead one moment and be OVER IT the next moment!  I still love you heart and soul.  831 Babe!

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