Monday, November 14, 2011

5 days since I last saw you.

Everyone says it gets easier with time….well it’s been 5 days and it’s harder now then it was the day you flew away.  Every song I hear reminds me of you in some strange way.  Looking up at the sky brings tears to my eyes because I keep hoping for a glimpse of your face peeking down at me through the night sky.  Sunshine makes me weep for you.  I can’t even vacuum or put out the trash without bursting out in a blubbering teary eyed mess!!

My days and nights are empty now that you are gone.  I can’t believe it’s only been 5 days but it feels like an eternity since I last saw you, touched you, heard your voice or looked into your eyes.  You are so far away from me and yet I can feel your presence at the same time.

So let me tell you how I am feeling right now at this very moment.  I feel like I should have made different decisions for you.  I feel like I did this to you.  If I didn’t stop the chemo and put you on hospice, you’d still be here with me, call me selfish!!  I feel like I gave up on you before you were ready to call it quits.  I feel like you are gone because of me.  

When does this guilt and sadness end?  When do you come to me and tell me that you aren’t angry, that you are proud of me for doing what I did and that you still love me??  I know I did the best I knew how for you but that is not helping because you are gone.  I never got a chance to explain why I did what I did.  I understand the reason why you left but I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to you.  I never wanted this for you.  I didn’t want you to hurt anymore.  EVERYTHING I did, I did out of sheer love for you and I hope that if it were me, you’d do the VERY SAME thing!  I am BEGGING you to send me a sign that you are ok, happy and not angry with me.

I had to let you go because I didn’t have a choice in the matter.  Same with the so called “strength!”  Not really too many options for me in the “strength" department!!  I HAVE TO DO IT for the boys.

I still pray every night that I wake up and the past 9 months was just a terrifying dream for me!  I know they say “time heals all wounds,” I am waiting for time just to help me get to the next minute.  For now I take comfort in knowing I am the sole owner of your best work ever…the boys!  Thank you for giving them to me for without them, I’d be there with you now.

I Love You Pita, Rest Peacefully My Love!

1 comment:

  1. Jeanne- your thoughts and fears are completely normal. I know that doesn't really help, but if there was any chance that something would have helped him, you would have been made aware of it.
    Remember, it never gets easier,it just becomes different.
    The fact you see and "hear" him everywhere, just means you had a strong bond.
    Something that you can always cherish knowing.
    PS. Crying is OK.