Tuesday, November 29, 2011

What is the message here….

After a really bad day yesterday I tried to go to bed as normal and woke up hysterical crying.

See I don’t know if you remember the guilt I carry with me for the way my Mother passed but it still haunts me to this day.  I don’ know why but it still does.  I have had the same friggin horrible dream since her passing over 21 years ago and last night was the FIRST time EVER that she came to me in a dream other than my normal one!

In my normal dream I come home and my Mother isn’t home and ask where she is and my family gives me an address.  I go to the address and ring the door bell and get no answer.  Something tells me to look in the window and I see what looks like an image sitting on the couch watching t.v.  So I try the door and it’s unlocked.  I go in and find my Mother’s corpse propped up on the couch!

This is my normal!!  Last night however, you guys were tag teaming me in my dreams!!

It was the night before your death and the boys were sleeping next to you in bed.  When the boys went to school the next day I went up to see you and my Mother was at your door with this huge smile on her face.

That was the moment I woke up hysterical crying!  Now I don’t know what the smile means but I just wish she would say what she means after all these years!!  Why the big mystery all this time??  Maybe she was there when you crossed over?  Maybe she is a messenger of some sort for you?  Maybe you are angry at me like she is and you sent her to tell me so??  Hence my question, why not just TALK to tell me what it means and not have me driving myself crazy trying to figure out what the meaning is??

I am hoping that her smile is a good thing.  I hope it means that you are happy and in good hands.

Why can’t I type this stuff without tears?  I miss you SO MUCH, you just have no idea how much.

You know when I was in the midst of the dream and you were alive, I WAS SO HAPPY!  I really thought that you were alive and here with me and that it was all a nasty dream like I have wished for since February.  When I saw my Mother’s smile, I knew your death was real and the sadness flooded over me again and I woke up to my miserable reality.  The empty one that has this huge void that no other person on this planet could ever have shoes big enough to fill.

Yes I have the boys here to help but the sadness continues for me like I have NEVER felt before.  This experience is the hardest thing I have ever had to do EVER.  

I survived the death of my Father at 20, the death of my Mother at 22, quitting smoking in 1999, 100+ lb. weight loss in my early/mid 30’s, almost dying 3 times giving birth to Frik and Frak, diagnosed with PPD and Severe Depression, disconnection from the boys completely during my illness, traveling your journey through cancer and the recent death of my younger brother….and none of these has been as difficult as losing you in comparison!!

Never again will anyone ever know me the way you did.  Understand me the way you understood.  Cheer for me the way you did.  Encourage me the way your words used to.  I miss you SOOOOOOO MUCH, this is killing me inside!  I love you and wish I could have just one more moment with you so I can tell you how much I love you!  831!

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