Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Saw Pita today

and he still can’t talk or swallow.  He continues his swift decline.  He is now having a difficult time breathing.  It’s very shallow and labored and you can see he is giving it all his effort to take each breath!  Even with the conditions he is in, it was so good to see him today.  I didn’t want to leave him but I know I had to get the boys home and take care of them!  Love my boogers!!

I had the hardest time getting to sleep last night.  It took me 4 hours to calm down enough to finally pass out from exhaustion.  My heart was beating a mile a minute and I couldn’t calm myself down to relax enough to go to sleep.  I would doze out in short spurts like 10 or 15 minutes then I would be awake for 20 to 40 minutes crying my eyes out again.  Not sure how much longer I can go on line this because I am just tired all the time with little to no energy but still I trudge through for the boys.  I sit down and want to fall asleep but can’t because I am walking on eggshells in my own house worrying that the phone will ring and it will be over and I go into panic mode with my thoughts.  Then I end up crying and the cycle starts all over again!  I am getting very forgetful and not remembering appointments, events or even some bills now!  I know it will pass with time but not having the bills paid (if any) puts me in even more panic mode!!  WHICH SUCKS!!  Why can’t this just be a bad dream?  Why can’t this be over?  Why is this happening to my Pita, the boys and I???  So many questions and I am forever left with no answers.

Every time I am up there and it’s time to leave there is this overwhelming feeling that this is the last time I will see his face, look into his eyes, touch his skin or hold his hand.  Then there is that secret little part of me that WANTS it so desperately to be the last time so he is eternally peaceful!  I absolutely hate cancer and what it has done to my Pita.  He is MINE and how dare this demon take another person I dearly love!!!

The boys and music are keeping me going through all of this.  I always say “If I am the rock, then they are my mountain!!”  The music is just the calm before, during and after the storm!  I wonder what the weather is going to be like tomorrow??

1 comment:

  1. maybe a daily check in from the hospice nurse to you, to see if you are ok and let you just talk about what is going on... would help you some. It would be great if you were able to take care of the bills when everything calmed down. DOn't know if that arrangement is even out there.

    Maybe playing some music for him, would make him more at ease and able to relax some.

    Hang in there...... :'0/