I Love You! Shifting to autopilot!!

You wanna know what's funny about those 3 little words.  Pita and I haven't said that to each other in months ... maybe even YEARS!!!!  Why I don't know because we used to say it all the time.  We NEVER got off the phone without saying "I love you!  I love you too!"  As a matter of fact if we didn't say it, we would call each other back and remind the other "I love you!" and we would just laugh!  Then one day it was never said again!!  SAD!!!

For the past month I think we say it to each other at least 10 times a day.  I say "I love you SUGAR! or I love you SWEETS!" and he RESPONDS each and every time!!  Makes me feel good!!  I don't want to think of the day he can't say it anymore..he will find a way to respond, I just know it.  He will be with the boys and I ALWAYS!

Autopilot is a very good analogy!!!  I put my game face on and shift to autopilot and do what I have to do.  I REFUSE to put Pita in a hospital.  He is my husband and I love and take care of him until he flys home with the angels!  I like to think he would do the same for me!  It comforts me to know that I am keeping him comfortable for the short time he has left in this life. 

I adore him and I will always cherish the gifts that were given to us 7 years ago...those beautiful boys!!  I am beginning to think GOD gave me the boys to somehow keep me happy in my husband's inevitable absence.  My cousin Franny put it best when I spoke to her last night.  She told me the boys were my "Jr. Pita's"  I just laughed and agreed!!  lol

I know one thing, if I had to go through this entire ordeal totally alone....I'd probably be a basket case.  The boys keep me grounded through this entire thing!!  People say I am the strong one, that I am the ROCK....truth is THEY are my ROCK!  I draw strength from them, they are the bravest human beings I know!  I love them so much and I can NEVER repay them for keeping me strong through all of this!  If I am the rock then C&M are the MOUNTAIN!!

BAD DAY!!

Pita had a VERY BAD day today!!  Unfortunately the whether now plays a major role in whether he is going to have a a good or bad day and it was so dreary and damp out today that it started and ended bad!

He slept for the better part of the day and when he did wake up he complained about pain in his left side and asked for pain medication.  I accidentially gave him the wrong pain meds and 2 hours later he was asking for more pain medicine and when I realized what I did, I called the hospice nurse and asked if it was safe to give him more.  She instructed me on how to handle it and he is peacefully sleeping now.  Poor guy was so achey today, there was just no relief in sight for him!!  I hope he sleeps well tonight and has a better day tomorrow!

Bad morning!

Woke up at 6:30 this morning and got the boys fed, teeth brushed, dressed and out the door for school.  I went up to check on Pita after the boys were out and he was demanding pain medicine because his entire left side was hurting.  I gave him his pain meds and laid him back down, covered him up, tucked him in and left him to go back to sleep.  When the nurse comes today, I will let her know that he had pain this morning.

Yesterday his Hospice Comfort Kit arrived and that's when it hit me!  It was like BOOM!!!  I realized the end is near for Pita.  I don't want to let him go, I want him cured and back in my life FULL FORCE!!!!!!!!!

I just needed for my house to feel normal again....

and I got yelled at for it! 

I made plans to host a dinner for some of my "guardian angels" you know the people that keep me sane through all this.  This included my sil Peggy, my sister Mary and her g'son, our dear friend Mr. Vernon (whom without him, my house wouldn't be as clean as it is), and my friend Michele and her beautiful daughter Cree, her wonderful boyfriend CJ and their gorgeous girls Sabrina (we still have to finish our MAN requirements list girlfriend!!) and Olivia.

I made a huge pot of spaghetti sauce and cooked sausage and mozzarella stuffed meatballs.  Tonight before everyone came over I put the water on for the spaghetti and we had dinner and we laughed and had a wonderful time.

It felt SO GOOD to have some normalcy back in my house...it was a great time and I loved having everyone over and feeding those that stick with me through this whole thing as sort of a "thank you from the bottom of my heart!"  It felt good to see everyone enjoying the meal I cooked for them and laughing instead of the silent doom and gloom that we currently live in.

I go check on Pita and bring him 2 Oreo cookies and that's when he hollared at me for carrying on so late in the evening when he is trying to sleep.  Sorry dude, but it was worth every moment of you yelling at me to have 1 night of normalcy in this house.....it's been a LONG TIME!!

I apologize and next time we will be more quiet!  Now shut your trap and go to bed!!  ROFL

I shall see you in the morning!

SAVE THE ______ (WARNING ADULT)

 So I was putting the boys on the school bus today and before I did, I gave them their usual piece of chewing gum so as to save their clothing from being chewed to SHREDS!!!  I see the attendant telling them they can't have it so I go to the bus and she tells me it's a safety issue!  REALLY??  Gum on a school bus is a safety issue???? 

WOW not only do you learn something new everyday but you also learn something stupid everyday I guess!!

Needless to say you can't fight the system so I tell them to give me their gum and they are off on their way to school!

I bring Pita his tea and get him situated before he barks at me to get out (he does it all the time...LOL) then I go use the potty.  Now I am thinking about this gum on the bus!

My first thought was "How stupid, I mean really!  Why can't kids just be kids even with their sensory, behavioral and STIM issues!!????"

Then my mind really goes off on a tangent!!  "everyone is attempting to save the whales, save the kids, save the elephants, save this, save that!!  The ONLY thing that needs saving is the fucking people!!"

Now think about it for a second....

If people weren't out on the oceans harpooning the whales, they would be fine!

If people weren't so busy telling kids what they CAN'T do and how to live THEIR lives and shape THEIR essence, they'd be fine!

If people weren't killing elephants for their tusks, they'd be fine!

If people weren't busy slinging mud during elections, they's be fine, WE'D BE FINE!

If people weren't busy getting into EVERY aspect of EVERYTHING that is WRONG, everything would be FINE!!!

See what I mean!

Nothing needs saving but PEOPLE!!!

Not sure if this makes sense but....

Have you ever wanted someone to die???  Well I do, I want my husband to die and not for the reasons you may be thinking.  I want him to die because it will bring him peace, his suffering can be over FINALLY and he will be going to a much better place then being trapped down here suffering the way he is.  I also want him to die because I need the boys and I to move on with our life and not be stuck watching him suffer day in and day out.  I want it OVER and I want to just move on!  Having him die will bring such sadness to us for sure but at the same time it will also bring relief that he is at peace and there will be no more cancer, no more dementia, no more complete quality of life, no more suffering, no more pain.

I struggle with this daily knowing it's completely wrong to want someone dead.  I (DON'T WANT TO) can't imagine my life without him but I also don't want him living the life he is living now.  I have no idea if this makes sense to anyone but for me it makes perfect sense.

Now you can bash me if you have to but if you saw what I see and dealt with what I deal with every single day with no relief in sight...I think you'd feel differently.

This is my prayer tonight and every night....

Dear Lord hear my prayer.  Please send the angels to visit with my husband so they can reassure him that the boys and I are going to be just fine.  He can trust that I am going to do everything in my Motherly power to keep the boys safe, provide the best I can for them, I will always fight and advocate for them, and we will always keep him as part of our daily lives by NEVER letting his memory die.  I am here to take care of our gorgeous precious boys that we created together out of the love that we shared together.  Send the angels to give him his wings so he can fly home to live with you in your beautiful heavenly world.  Let them guide him home to his Mother, Grandmother and all the other family he has waiting up in heaven for him to return safely.  Please ease his pain and suffering somehow, someway, the best way you know how.  Give him peace once and for all I beg you Dear Lord....please hear my prayer.

I think he still loves me/hoping for a better day today!

This morning I went in to check on Pita and he was a sleepy head this morning so I just covered him up, tucked him in and left him sleeping.


I just got home from Target...had to go get the boys winter coats.  I just went up to check on Pita and he was laying there sleeping peacefully under his favorite blanket and I took 2 more blankets and put them over him and tucked him and he DIDN'T move!  So I rub his head and kiss him and still DIDN'T move!!  So I kiss him on the forehead and whisper "I love you" in his ear and he whispers back "I Love You Too!"  My Sleepy Head!!


I just smiled and left him sleeping!


The home health aid came yesterday and he was sleeping and she saw someone go into the bathroom before he got up to use it and when he got up to go she said "There is someone in there you may want to wait a minute Mr V." and he snaps at her "it's my house and I know if there is someone in my bathroom!!"  She said "but I just saw someone go in there, would you like me to check and see if it's clear for you?"  Again he snapped "This is MY HOUSE, I DON'T NEED ANYONE TO TELL ME IF MY BATHROOM IS CLEAR OR NOT, GOT IT MISSY!!"

So I go upstairs and see if I could help in some way and she explains what happened and then I go check on him and he is still going on about how it's his house and she doesn't have a right to tell him who is in or not in the bathroom.  OH GIVE IT A REST!!!!  I told him to just calm down and go back to bed which he did!!

Boy he can have quite a mean streak!!  I call him Mr. Happy!

Last night after I got home from the supermarket my sil P went up to use the bathroom and she stopped in to check on Pita before she came back down and she asked "how you feeling?"  He said "I want FOOD!"  She asks "what kind of food?"  He said "I don't know I have to talk with my wife!"  She comes down laughing and says "your husband needs to consult with you about his FOOD he wants!  I asked if he was ok and he said 'I want FOOD!' so he wants FOOD"  I send my son CJ up with french fries and chicken nuggets and at least he was happy.

I hope he has a better day today!