Today was actually a quiet day for Pita except for when he decided to come downstairs naked. Thank goodness I was home to hear him shuffling down the steps and that NO ONE else was here to see him in all his glory!! lol He came downstairs for 2 whole minutes and attempted to rush back up the steps to bed! I can’t leave him alone for a SECOND because what if he decides to try to come down the steps again, loses his balance and falls!!??? I would NEVER forgive myself if I wasn’t here!
I have been thinking about putting Pita in the hospice facility but since he hasn’t signed the DNR, he can’t go there. So he stays with me and unfortunately I have to wait till he is no longer able to make decisions for himself and then I will have to sign the DNR. Then and ONLY then can they admit him to the hospice facility and I can have at least a little bit of a break. My boys wouldn’t see him everyday but they don’t really see him everyday now. Of course before I can do this I have to get past my own personal demon….Mr. GUILT!!! Every time I think about putting him in there, I get this overwhelming feeling of me letting him down or deserting him. I just can’t do that to him but at the same time, I don’t think I could handle it if I found him gone, if he was dying in front of me or the boys or if something else serious happened to him. I can’t figure out why I am having such a hard time with this. I know it would be a better choice for him and he would have round the clock care which is something I JUST CAN’T give him. I just have to say goodbye to Mr. Guilt first!!! How is the question! I need to find a way to close the door on Mr. Guilt and open the FREEDOM door! Freedom from guilt, freedom from watching him and not being able to do a thing about it, freedom for the boys! Yes the good outweigh’s the bad here so I am giving this serious consideration for when the time comes.
Tomorrow is Cub Scouts with the boys and I am going to have to stay home with Pita while my sil Peggy takes them there. I feel like I am deserting the boys in order to care for Pita. I know it’s not his fault but feeling like I am letting the boys down is WORSE then anything I could ever imagine. Everything I do whether it be for them, Pita or his family, my family or anyone else is ALWAYS done with their best interest in mind first!!! Every decision I make is for their safety, health and wellbeing!! I have to because it comforts me to know that my kids are smiling, happy, healthy and SAFE everyday!! I love my boys more then I love ANYONE or ANYTHING on this planet!!! I would be lost without my skootches!! On Sept 3rd, 2004 I dedicated my entire existence to them and I am BOUND & DETERMINED to continue on my journey with them!! Love my boys <3<3<3
So Pita is peacefully sleeping for the night. I hope he stays there because I am not so good at hearing things go bump in the night like I used to be!!
Sleep well my love, see ya in the morning!! MUAH!
Welcome….This blog is dedicated to my Late Husband Chuck a.k.a. Pita who lost his battle with Renal Cancer on November 9th 2011 at 8:20am. It is also dedicated to cancer patients and caretakers who are fighting. Our loved ones aren't the only ones that suffer with this disease. Who are you fighting for?
Well, maybe speaking to the Hospice Coordinator about Mr. Guilt,would help him pack his bags. ;0)
ReplyDeleteYou do need to have PITA cared for,as well as you and the boys cared for.
Maybe you sil could stay with PITA while you took the boys to scouts.. just this week?
Sometimes caring for our loved ones goes beyond what is physically possible.
Moms/wives are just used to doing it all the time, but sometimes,we just don't know how to do everything.
I bet if you talked to him about getting better care, he might mull it over and make a decision to help you and the boys.
(once again, this might be broached better by the hospice nurse)
Hang in there!
Bren