Sunday night I couldn’t go to sleep because I had this overwhelming feeling that I wouldn’t see Pita again. I called the nurse in a panic and she called me back and talked with me and calmed me down enough to get me to go to sleep. I was back up at 4:45 in the morning and again, I was an emotional WRECK!!! It took me an hour to muster up the bravery to go check on him and he was REALLY BAD!! I swear it looked like he was getting ready to take his last breath. I told him that he didn’t have to worry about the boys and I because I was going to be sure and take care of us always. He could count on that. I also told him that if he wanted to go home, he could without worry because he would ALWAYS be my husband and the boys Dad!! We would always hold him in our lives and hearts forever. I also told him it wasn’t necessary for him to drag himself through this suffering if he wanted to go home with the angels. He started getting a little teary eyed and I covered him up and whispered I loved him DEARLY and left him sleeping.
6:30am I went and got the boys up and ready for and out for school. I took a shower and ran out to get Halloween candy and when I walked in the house it happened again. Another overwhelming rush of emotions came over me because I had a feeling he had died while I was gone! I started feeling guilty because I wasn’t here for him and I couldn’t stop crying!! I called the nurse and she calmed me down again. She rushed over and checked on him and he was ok. So since her visit I have been questioning my ability to care for him in the proper way. My mother was so graceful in taking care of my Dad till his last breath and I don’t know if I could ever fill her shoes. I have spent months second guessing my every attempt to take good care of him and now I am stuck in self doubt!!
I think this entire roller coaster I am on is due to the fact that my younger brother’s death is now sinking in!!
Then I couldn’t go trick-or-treating with the boys and I was SO ANGRY about it. This is the first holiday EVER since their birth that I missed it!! I felt like a weekend Mother for the first time in their lives and it didn’t feel good!!! I cried for about an hour and missed the HELL OUT OF MY GUYS!!! Missing their halloween absolutely broke my heart!! I will NEVER EVER EVER miss another holiday no matter how big or small!!
Today is a better day for me emotionally. Pita is having a peacefully quiet day.
Welcome….This blog is dedicated to my Late Husband Chuck a.k.a. Pita who lost his battle with Renal Cancer on November 9th 2011 at 8:20am. It is also dedicated to cancer patients and caretakers who are fighting. Our loved ones aren't the only ones that suffer with this disease. Who are you fighting for?
Hi Jeanne,
ReplyDeleteRemember that you were very young when your father died. Your mother was probably very careful to only let you see her "game face". I'm sure that she had own very emotional moments!! Don't doubt yourself. Your doing a great job with very difficult circumstances. Hang in there! Love and hugs, Franny
I am so sorry you had such a rough day!!! Please know you are normal for having those thoughts and feelings...we are here for you!!!! ((HUGS))
ReplyDeleteJeanne,
ReplyDeleteIf you should decide you need more support,maybe you could inquire about more time from visiting nurses.. maybe they would know of a service in which to do this. Also, if it becomes too much, for your sake, and the boys, you may feel more comfortable having round the clock care, WHICH MIGHT mean,, "admitting"him to a hospice center. There you know he would have someone there every minute you are not. I do not think anyone would see this change of care, and love, as a weakness.
Only YOU know what is best for your family.
Bren